Because I feel Blessed

Lord I feel so renewed…
So much happened today for me. I was able to finally detach myself from someone toxic from my past and start leaving myself open for someone who truly deserves my attention, my genuine love I consciously chose to give to someone who didn’t deserve but an ounce of it. And I gained a new layer of understanding my purpose and desires for my lifetumblr_lu5xrqCMoz1r3iceno1_500

I feel like I got baptized
I feel like after weeks of the pounding and panging, the blacksmith lifted his hammer to reveal something altogether foreign to this world, something new, something new and something good. After weeks of Plutonian hell, I’ve surrendered and I’ve risen from the ashes of what I once was

Flying far above the charred visage disaster zone, I can see clearly all the evolution that’s taken place within me and I’m proud of myself. I mean I’ve gotten myself through such hells it’s a literal miracle I’m here

I recognize my power, my raw strength,
and this is coming from a woman who evolved from a girl to a teenager who, without any semblance of exaggeration, felt herself worthless and weak, powerless in every sense of the word, unworthy of the most bare of essentials to basic life let alone anything of soul, anything derived from my searing and soothing passion and the fire the fire, the fire that keeps me whole

Getting myself from here to there was the most hellish of rides,

but I chose it
and I did it.
I did it with my own hands, the powerful light of my spirit, my refusal to settle for anything less than what I desire with utmost totality of soul, my ability to withstand mental-emotional-spiritual Hadean bleakness so void of all, even coalblack darkness, I questioned if there was any light at all for me I’d find, my ability to look my darkness in the eyes and simultaneously surrender to the glaring truths of my broken states and refuse to let myself remain, my willpower, my passion, my intensity, but most of all, I have to thank Dea and my spirit guides and the ones who have kept me here alive despite those moments I surrendered to my brokenness and I refused my power to rage against the currents’ demands, to see beyond such Hadean dimmed out no sun, no moon, no stars, and when I finally found the door, they wouldn’t let me pass, not even once and not even twice…,the ones who melded me with such unshakeable feeling even in the drowning of intoxicant that there’s a reason I chose this, sealed with my flesh all for my remembrance every time I reached out for the door, and the ones who relentlessly shouted their messages to me until I was ready to listen

The Power of Words — What are Symbols and how do they connect to the Astral Realm?

tumblr_ln7i7u5ZCb1qcpgr3o1_500

I want to add that while this symbolic realm can be explored with the whimsy of a child who doesn’t know what she has to lose, this realm can be dangerous. At first, you may also feel as if you’re going insane as you’ll begin feeling and perceiving what ‘isn’t there’ or doesn’t seem to be real, even though it is real. And that’s another reason why it can be dangerous. When you figure out how real it is and begin to see things you don’t like, how are you gonna handle it? That’s up to you, however, the truth is liberating and it’s only through traversing this realm that we can find our footing and understand how to handle it all with relative grace, if possible. I still say…Fucking go there. It’s fun once you get past the scary shit!! No but really, don’t go in halfassed. I believe that people can do themselves harm if they go in with one foot, they can perceive these echos, but they’re still listening to the physical realm that tells them they aren’t real. That’s a curious case in which the awareness might be what causes something to eat away at them rather than liberate them. It’s liberation they must grant themselves with their own hands. The echos are real, you have to believe it. Then you also need grounding and balance. There are layers to this and it isn’t easy to go this gracefully, but you learn with time

tumblr_m008aadluf1qc2qfoo1_500

I’ll quote myself first off, but this is important as it dawned on me that nothing else is really gonna make sense unless I explain what I mean by ‘symbols’. I tend to use words not as they’re meant to be used necessarily, but they take on an entirely new meaning for me

“Once we detach ourselves from all the labels and assumptions, then we can begin to use words to explore something you will never read about in a linguistics book or a psychology textbook. Enter the realm of symbol and abstract, a world with no bars, a world where you’re only a slave if you choose to be, the realm where words are yours and there are no rules, a world where we reach just a little closer to the roots of our human language

…what exists separate from words that words can aide us in exploring if we let them. There’s an entire universe that exists before we give things form and structure and definition and say what they are because what they are isn’t in a word or even the most eloquent string of them”

I would describe the symbolic realm as what is but what isn’t. We can’t see it with our physical eyes, but we know it exists because we can feel it and because can perceive it. Walking here feels unsafe and perhaps we do risk much in traversing it as we’re not dealing with the corporeal anymore. That’s damage that even if fatal, at least we can understand why it happened. While we don’t risk permanent death in the symbolic, abstract realm, we risk losing or damaging things in ways we can’t comprehend. Someone may have an entity attached to them and not at all be aware, yet it’s there draining and siphoning, eating away at them. The entity can’t be seen with physical eyes in most cases, but the damage occurring is real and worse because this isn’t something that follows logic or rationality. It follows a much higher order of understanding

In the astral realm we’d be able to see this entity clearly, but in this physical world we can’t. These two realms exists as one and if we’re not aware of that fact, we’re more vulnerable. We’re basically walking around with a tattoo on our forehead that reads ‘dumb ass’. Just saying. Anyway…

What happens there happens here and vice versa. That’s the takeaway. But most of us cannot see that realm. I can’t. But I understand it and I know why I do: Its threads and tendrils, its ‘coding’ is built in symbolism. Its fabric is not logical, it’s symbolic. Symbolism is a means of working and creating within that realm without actually seeing it. Symbols are the echo of the astral realm in the physical realm

Someone may be able to perceive that something is draining them without being able to see the entity doing the draining by feeling which is also an echo. Energy is another echo. Feeling, energy, and symbols are tools by which we can actually create within the astral realm and that is a highly important skill because like I said, what happens here happens there and what happens there happens here. If we can work with what’s happening there, we can affect what’s happening here in the corporeality, to our physical bodies, to our brains, to the world itself  and we can affect those things as well if we understand how to use feeling, energy, and symbols

I can now justify why I’ve always since I was a child felt arts were sacred. They are. Artists of all shades have the ability to not only create in this physical world, but in a way that etches itself into the astral realm. To be clear, that’s a very powerful ability and shouldn’t be used haphazardly or be thought to be a solely saccharine skill as it isn’t. It very much isn’t. If you’re aware of feeling and energy, you’re not just gonna be aware of what feels good or what fills you, you’re gonna be aware of opposing forces and how they play with each other and what they do. Energy is very massive aspect of the echo we receive of the astral realm. Feeling and symbolism are too. This is why it could be said what you feel is more real than anything. And don’t think that’s a limiting concept either as when you accept how real they are, you’re also taking on a greater rite: The ability to manipulate feeling and energy and thus create in a way that imprints itself into the astral realm as well as the physical realm

I believe feeling and energy are a lot easier to understand than symbols, though. But make no mistake, as humanity has aged, its slowly but surely detached from these fundamental aspects of the realm that is that we can’t see with our physical eyes. Symbolism was the first to robbed and this occurred after the advent of written language. As someone who’s passionate about writing, it may seem counterintuitive for me to say such a thing, but what a creative writer does is give word to the wordless. So it’s a means of using words to work withing that symbolic, wordless realm

I want to make it clear that that symbolic realm isn’t the same as the astral realm. It’s the coding, it’s the threading, it’s the fabric,…at least for us as human beings

I also have a theory on how we gradually lost touch with symbols, but I’ll save that. The important thing to know is that words aren’t their definitions, they’re what you feel, they’re their energy, they’re what they represent. Fire we know to burn our skin, to scar us if we get too close for too long,…fire we know is wild and untamed, it’s enrapturous and grand, it’s painful and beautiful, it’s passionate and…and at some point we realize what it is isn’t able to be fit into vocabulary, into any words, not even a collection. We can try and creative writers do our best, but to speak of what things really aren’t isn’t an easy task. What fire is is something subjective. To some it’s destructive, to others it’s vital. To me it’s vital and beautiful and incredibly erotic, torturous but in a pleasurable way. What is this? What am I doing here? I’m looking at fire as something symbolic. There are so many layers to it and at the most primal levels, it cannot be uttered because there just aren’t any words for what fire is. That’s what I mean by detaching ourselves from the physical world to understand what things really are. When we detach ourselves, what they are becomes so much clearer but also so subjective it’s uncomfortable, almost aching, it’s scary and intimidating because it is us. It’s you. It’s me. What is the ultimate unknown to your own self? It’s you. That’s why so many of us shun ourselves and reject contemplation

But have no fear because you’ll get the hang of it as you surrender to its wonder. That was a very basic explanation of symbolic perception and trust me, there are so many more layers to it than that and it has infinite depth and breadth. Aspects of a symbol can hardly be considered a single symbol. Every symbol echos into the other and expands itself through every other one in infinite intricate ways. This universe is one with infinite facets and infinite layers. It’s infinite. That may be why it’s so intimidating, but to an adventurer, it’s so exciting and exhilarating. I’m an explorer so I never could deny it once I saw it even if sometimes it hurts, I know it’s for the best

In our daily lives, we may come across words or objects or anything that exists physically that makes us feel something indescribable, something that delivers us a message that there’s something else there. That’s a hint that there’s something vital there to us symbolically, something that exists in our astral realm. So even if you can’t astral travel, you can still recognize the echos and learn how to manipulate and create within that realm without actually being there

Symbolic perception is my perception. It’s just how I understand the world. When I look at anything, I don’t see what it is in a physical sense, but in that symbolic sense that exists without words. It takes time for a clearer image to unravel of what it is to me because it has to be processed through such an infinite plane of understanding. I can’t force it. I’m a slave to it. I can listen, I can feel, and I can give it fuel as it goes along on its journey, but it takes time and it’s supposed to. The result is something immense and grand and something that has an existence in every aspect of my universe and my astral territory

I’ll be honest and admit that this is a bit of a handicap in terms of existing in the physical realm and adjusting to it. That’s taken me a very long time…to learn something that comes so naturally to most, but I think if you perceive this realm first, you may actually be at an advantage as most people may live their entire lives not being entirely aware of it whereas if you’re born there, you’re forced to become aware of both

Anything of any significance to you,…just take it, look at it, think about what it makes you feel, you’ll notice those first pings have no words. Stop there for a while and explore. Get to know its primordial building blocks, the symbolic and abstract. Your conception of what it ‘is’ will be a lot more prolific and full. These aren’t just the fundamental, primordial pieces of what these ‘things’ are, but what you are. This is a means of understanding yourself in the most intimate way possible. While that might not sound too savory to many, understand that once you get get your footing here, what’s in the palm of your hands transcends this physical realm and our assumed limitations here. It’s a gateway to magick, personal and universal magick. Magick that affects you, and magick that affects the physical world and people. So yes, it’s actually pretty badass but there also needs to be grounding and understanding. While the spirit can’t die, we can affect our connection with our spirit in such a way that become seriously disturbed and while it’s curable, will you cure it?

So symbolism is as I said basically the coding of this other realm, this realm we can’t see while awake and with our eyes. Using them to actually affect that realm is another story, but this is a basic necessity to understand if you ever want to do that with any skill. That skill is magick. Many of us use magick without even knowing it, but if you knew what you were doing, it may astound you. As true as the message is that it isn’t all fun and games, learning how to create in a way that etches it into the astral realm, learning how to use the tools we were endowed with to pierce the veil into what is not seen, is the means to a fulfilling life. Understanding symbolism is not only useful, but vital, and worse it’s one of those tools that has been skillfully ripped from our hands. So take it back. The invitation is there and always has been. Yes you may feel as if you’re losing your mind at first, but then you’ll realize you never had it and you’re finally finding it. Surrender, walk in, take the first step. Dare to, dare yourself, be, live, explore, see, find, be, know, be, reclaim, see. Paradox is no longer paradox. Somehow it makes more sense than anything else

Light musings on paranoia, fear and creation

tumblr_mu0hotrIQw1sirt7jo1_400

I’m someone who’s constantly, constantly thinking. Digging deeper and deeper sometimes to the point of masochism. I can’t help it! Sometimes I just enjoy the pain of indulging in how grim and terrifying this physical reality is. But I torture myself to the point of paranoia and even dissociation. That’s not an exaggeration either. Sometimes I’ve questioned what’s real and if all I’m experiencing is solely in my mind, if my family members even exist at all. It’s not fun. I genuinely can’t help it, though to be less facetious, it’s more because I’m so passionate about finding some overarching truth, my truth, the core of it all. That’s my problem. I just can’t hang in the superficiality. I MUST get to the very core, the deepest and most intimate organ of all I approach and all of what encounters me

Despite my proclivities and this seeming deepseated desire to destroy my mind and leave my body with nothing more to do than to wish with every fibre of my soul that I didn’t exist, I can’t live in paranoia and fear. No one can. They eat away at you until they suck you dry. And the truth is, beyond this darkness, I’m an incredibly idealistic person who sees so much beauty in the world and what it could be, what humanity could be. I’m trying to learn to channel these fears into creation. For me, that’s writing…and I feel so blessed to have words with me as solace, a means of expression, purging, and reconstitution of me…

I know I’m not the only one who toils with the question of just what is ‘reality’ and if it exists. I can’t answer those questions with any sureness, and the truth is, I’m fine with not knowing. I think I may actually prefer the state of not knowing, the perpetual search for deeper and deeper truth than feeling like I know something because then life just gets boring, doesn’t it? But that aside, I do think our physical reality is an illusion of sorts. But that doesn’t mean the connections we make with others, our passions, our love, our fire isn’t real. In fact, they may be some of the only things that are real

There’s something intoxicatingly beautiful about having a body and being in this physical world when you look at your body as having the ability to express what runs deeper than your blood, your spirit. In this physical reality, we have such a wide array of instruments through which we can act on our soulful urges. All of life can be art, creation

I look at this physical reality as a reflection of sorts of something that is real. The noncorporeal realm is real and though humanity has gradually lost touch with its tools by which to interact with the immaterial world, any individual can choose to reclaim them. When we use our energy, our body and spirit joined, to create here, what we do imprints itself into the noncorporeal realm and by that means, we interact with it, with what’s real. Really real. Art is sacred and all can be art if we want it to be

In general, fear and paranoia are hindrances. Yes, they can alert us to real dangers, but I don’t believe we’re meant to be locked into these states that leave us stagnated and paralyzed, immobile and castrated. We’re meant to explore those fears and that paranoia in everexpanding understanding of who we are as individuals and find what we need to navigate a world that’s so dark and daunting and always taunting us with the threat of corrupt leaders, evil, war, hatred, depletion, running out of time, ‘the apocalypse’, and honestly, the stupidity of humanity. Yes, the stupidity really is scary. I’ll be honest

It does take a lot of faith and surrender as well. I think we can always tune in to our destiny, our paths, our higher selves and they can give us a glimpse of to where we’re headed and what our challenges, strengths and weaknesses are. Our truth in the face of a society that doesn’t want us to know ourselves

I feel like I was blessed to get a sense of what I’m to do this lifetime as a teenager. I started hearing this voice inside me, this unignorable force telling me that I’m to do some important things this lifetime. It was hard for me to have faith in that only because of my immense selfesteem issues. And it really struck me that despite feeling so worthless that I felt I was bound for nothingness and wasn’t gonna achieve jackshit because ‘how could such a lowly creature as myself do anything special?’, I felt that force. It’s never gone away. It’s always there. I can feel what I’m supposed to do here

By nature, I’m a very passionate, energetic, unendingly creative person. I have such wells of creativity that they could never run out. Yet I’ve had fears and anxieties bind me, shackle me, tie me down and torture me to the point I don’t feel able to do anything at all,…and so I don’t. I have this raging fire within me but these anxieties had become so powerful they dispersed it into mere flakes of a once fire, now ash. Right now I’m in the process of reclaiming my fire and aligning once again with the physical world as I have to admit, I disconnected from it for a very long time, shamefully long. But that doesn’t matter. I’ve learned so much and everything that’s happened to me and that I’ve done has helped me gain the power and understanding I need

It may sound absurd or just downright foolish to most people, but I’m an extreme person with intense emotion and I’ve learned to accept that,…I made a pact with myself, a suicide pact. If I’m not living by my fire and through my fire in a year, I will kill myself. But the thing is, I don’t intend to hurt myself at all. No, this is motivation to me. I love this. This is my do or die time and I fully intend to do

Never is there any room for lamenting the past just as there isn’t any room for lamenting the ‘future’. The future is now. Right now. Right in our hands, in our bodies bundled up and aching to take those shards of light and ash and create what man has never witnessed before

(I actually have a theory I’m developing about anxiety in particular as an advantageous state of existence)

 

more poetic ramblings of a madwoman — Vaka

I don’t even remember writing this one, but I know it’s an automatic writing exercise of sorts I wrote around two weeks ago. Automatic writing is by far one of my favorite creative processes. Again it’s not exactly poetry, but that’s the closest category I could really fit it into. ‘Poetic ramblings’ is perhaps the best descriptor

trigger warningit mentions meat a lot so vegans may not enjoy this, for that matter I’m not sure nonvegans will either

poem1

tumblr_mbxy6uIZLG1r5e1oso1_500

The Plutonic Journey, Rising the Phoenix Vulnerable and Empowered her Raw, Core truths Bared to the Cosmos

My theory is that we’re all meant to go through the Plutonian journey and I was responding to someone who felt only certain individuals were meant to and then it spurred this massive realization about Pluto partially in thanks to my beautiful sister who’s heavily Scorpionic and Plutonian

(this will be revised, but as of right now, it is a stream of consciousness)

tumblr_lu5xrqCMoz1r3iceno1_500

Everyone goes through that process of having subconscious blockages brought to light. Going through a process of digging through our darkness because what’s there has power over us as long as we don’t face it and own our darkness. That’s just the trial of life. Pluto symbolizes that process, but we all have Pluto’s presence in us somehow

Before I knew a thing about astrology, I was very passionate about transformation myself, facing my darkness, my truths hidden in my consciousness, learning from it so as to reclaim my power. I was also very much aligned with the ‘Phoenix rising from the ashes’ motif. I was very heavily involved with Plutonian themes like destruction, death, going as deep as possible, to the core, the raw core no matter how much it hurt, pain, my shadow. And I’ve always been very obsessive as well, especially with these concepts

But I also had Plutonian issues of control and projecting my feelings of powerlessness onto others

In all honesty, I’m very Plutonian energetically, yet I’m not sure I’d be considered Plutonian astrologically. So I do think we all are meant to go through this process. That’s what growth is all about, we’re not meant for stagnation. We’re all meant to dig through the meat, the rotting necrotic flesh of us and bring it back to life. We’re all meant to experience countless little deaths and destructions so as to recreate ourselves

I do believe that’s what Pluto’s about. That’s why people who don’t do the work are likely to project their feelings of powerlessness out into the world

tumblr_mlyx9pJWnM1ru2qa4o1_500.png

Before I knew anything about astrology or Pluto, I was very very passionate about and aligned with Plutonian energy. But I still don’t know if my chart would reflect that Plutonianism. So I’m definitely convinced we’re all meant to go through that process

People have even thought I must be a Scorpio rising before. And I’ve been noted as having Plutonian energy, but I’m not sure if people would actually consider me Plutonian looking at my chart

So I wonder why I’d be so heavily Plutonian if it’s not reflected in my tropical chart nor my sidereal chart. Actually, in sidereal, I’m a Scorpio NN, but I still don’t think that accounts for how heavily Plutonian I am energetically. It just raises many questions and I truly do believe we’re meant to all go through this process of delving into the deepest aspects ourselves, destroying what isn’t ours and isn’t real and carrying with us what is real, finding our power in the destruction, our light in the darkness

I think this is an important discussion… Perhaps we’re all meant to explore the themes of every planet regardless of their presence in our charts. And Pluto is such a vital, very very human planet symbolically
This discussion is getting meaty and real, I love it
I truly believe we must all go through this

I only just came to this realization. I’ve been wondering why I’m so Plutonian yet it’s not reflected in my chart…

It’s highly possible that we’re all meant to experience the journeys represented by each planet, but various life circumstances can trigger different planets to become more prominent at various points in life

For instance, I went through a lot of trauma growing up and I was forced to delve into my darkness and use it to find my power because of that

Is Pluto misunderstood? Perhaps so. It’s considered a malefic, but what if the malefics are just some of the most crucial energies to our development? They’re just more likely than other planets, potentially, to become outwardly destructive because they represent such intense processes

Might Pluto be associated with love? Perhaps so. Once we start digging into our subconscious, we feel powerless to all this energy within us. How we handle it is part of our Plutonian journey. If we’re caught up in feelings of powerlessness and trying to find our power, we may not be able to purely love others until we work through these issues. Yet once we do, love may be much more pure and truly intimate as others are no longer a threat to our power

My Scorpio super stellium sister has recently come to many realizations about love and embraced it, as an example. She’s EXTREMELY scorpionic and as a matter of fact, she has an Aries moon so she’s very Martian as well. Yet her journey has led her to embracing love. And not just ordinary love, but this piercing, allencompassing love that strikes through all of humanity. She now preaches to ‘look for the love’ and she believes that what everyone does is ultimately about love and seeking it

Does Pluto rule death? Perhaps it rules our grapplings with the unknown, what we perceive as beyond us and thus more powerful than we are solely because we don’t understand it. But through the harsh journey of coming to terms with death and what it means, we come to understand life. If we follow the path as painful as it may be, we ultimately reach a point where we no longer feel powerless and so we can approach life as vulnerable creatures without defense, without mental, spiritual, emotional, or even physical weapons because we no longer need to. Strength in vulnerability. And in this state where we feel no need to project any latent feelings of powerlessness upon others, and in this state where we no longer perceive possible threats ready to overpower us at any moment, we arise like the Phoenix with all that is not us destroyed, dusted, ashed, and what we are is our core selves. Our core, true, raw selves are able to give and receive true love, not love laced with the shards of these power struggles

And it dawned on me that Pluto’s journey from planet, to dwarf planet, to planet in terms of NASA’s standards is highly symbolic, the proverbial phoenix rising from the ashes. Pluto is small and vulnerable and yet immensely powerful

 

 

 


So perhaps Pluto is about love, or more accurately, vulnerability which allows love to flow purely

poetic ramblings from a madwoman– Jacob’s Ladder

I just last night started a journal to write down all my poetic ramblings that come to me at the most inconvenient of moments but nevertheless I must bend to their divinity. I usually have these things on my phone or in spare sheets of papers, but I wanted a book I could look at for inspiration for my poetry as all those maddening bits of nonsensical words and phrases and images do become poetry

Today I’m not sharing a poem, but a some of my poetic ramblings melded together into… some writing. I don’t believe there’s a name for this as it will all seem nonsensical and primarily I work by ‘automatic writing'(channeling my core soul)

Jacob’s Ladder

Jacob's Ladder

tumblr_lxwxj1x6gi1qjd6ruo1_500