Consciousness Hijacking, an Energetic Vacuum II

Inertia, energy arrested at first beating and pulsing of the blood, the flesh frozen still and weightless synergetic loss–

So I’ve been thinking about it more and I recognize my current trial is to work through my inertia. And the fact is, as a child I was extremely energetic, almost too energetic. I was so full of life you’d have thought I was life itself, but unfortunately, we are creatures of oppositions. If we possess something, we also possess the opposite trait in equal capacity. I’m a creature of extremes which means when I feel something, I feel it madly and I feel it truly and I feel it feverishly. Whether I possess it or it possesses me becomes blurred. We are one. This can make me seem like a very chaotic person with no grounding and I possibly am, but I don’t think I’m meant to be a peaceful, calm, rooted person. I simply have to learn how to handle my energy, my pain, my destructive tendencies, my depressions, my anxieties, my suicidal thoughts, my doubts…my intense, stasis driving doubts. They paralyze me and I can’t stand inaction, I cannot stand apathy. I become an apathetic person even though below these immense doubts lying on the surface of me, chipping away at my skin, pealing away like an old paint mural…I am the complete opposite of apathetic. The energy within me is like the sun and I can feel it, but I’m unable to express it because of my doubts, my anxieties

I decided I should write out changes I want to start making that I know will lead me in the direction I need to be going in. I suppose in doing so I’m both exploring myself as well as making a pact with myself. I’m expressing what I lack and what I need without the pain of selfhatred for not being this absolute perfect being at 25 and without regrets for how I’ve been in the past as I regret nothing. All ‘mistakes’, we learn from, we remember, we know what we need to know

A friend suggested to me I may be more of a ‘completionist’ than a ‘perfectionist’ and she might be right. There’s something that’s just not allowing me to enjoy the process because I become so focused on the end product when that’s such an absurd inclination since what we create is largely the result of a massive collection of happy accidents. Nothing ever happens as we expect it to and that’s beautiful to me. It truly is. I love that about life. It would be so incredibly boring otherwise and I can’t stand boredom or lack of novelty

Maybe this is a form of grounding for myself. I believe balance is necessary certainly, but in any case…

1. I recall how I was as a child with fondness like it’s something I’ve lost, but I haven’t lost it, it’s simply become eclipsed by my selfdoubts arising from the fact I hold myself to strict standards. I expect immaculate perfection at first draw and it’s just unrealistic. In truth, I have so much zeal for the beauty of experimentation…trying things, going out of my comfort zone. As far as I’m concerned, fuck the comfort zone, it doesn’t exist for me and I have no wish to set foot there

As a child, I didn’t hold myself to such insane standards because I was just in this process of exploring the world without bars, exploring myself, my passions, my love, my fire…I was a very very creative child, and though I had the problem of starting projects without finishing them because my passion was often shortlived and easily diverted to something new and shiny, something novel, I allowed myself to freely explore and I need to open myself to that energy again

I aim to live in allegiance with my passion, my soul, my spirit, my heart, my raw, beating heart, my fire that I so cherish. I will let them lead the way. I will shed all of my selfdoubt and this insane standards I’ve held myself to since I was 11 and will rise anew, flesh burning but not shedding, no longer degraded. I will follow my spirit

Any lessons in sobriety and discipline I’ll learn only after I’m able to break these chains. I won’t happen overnight and I don’t expect it to. It’ll happen gradually, and then seemingly all at once

That’s been my experience in the past…Things that plague me so greatly, I get to a point where they no longer touch me at all, but it does take putting in the emotional work. But I’m not one to shy away from a challenge. I love a good challenge

2. Pain…My philosophy is to face myself unflinchingly and that means being aware of my pain and oh how aware of it I am. Yet still, there’s a part of me that wants to run away, that does run away. I despise that trait, but I know I can change it. I’m learning. A huge lesson for me came after two suicide attempts this year that I was very lucky to survive…I realized I could feel my suicidal thoughts and even delve into them without fully surrendering to them. Part of my philosophy involves surrender, but also power. I seek surrender for the sake of power. It’s through surrendering to my pain I will learn how to explore it without listening to the voices calling me to carry out destructive acts upon myself

That sounds like a nobrainer, but it was a huge revelation to me and really, in the case of something as grave as suicide, it sounds very counterintuitive, but I do believe this to be true

3. Take action. Just take action. Don’t let myself be held closed in this stasis chamber, in this cage when I’m the only one with the key. Just act, just do, just live. Live with my spirit and my heart and they’ll lead the way. Any doubt I have is a tacit admission that I don’t fully trust my own self, but I will come to only by proving to myself I can. So now it’s time to do that

I want to keep it simple. These things are simple, but not easy. They are doable. This is the stage I’m in and I sense that my next stage is just around the corner. Oddly enough, I get the sense that I’m at the end of something and on the edge of something grand, like I’ll be able to use my power to it’s full extent soon. It seems foolish to have such a thought at 25, but there are no rules on this place we call Earth after all

Something odd I notice is that I hold certain philosophies so dearly, yet I don’t live up to them. I don’t think this is a result of being a liar if we’re ever in this predicament, it just means there’s a discrepancy in our ideals and in how we act and the simple solution is to just change it

I just need to go easier on myself, I need to be more gentle with myself

Writing in this blog is a huge test for me as I have this vision of what I want my blog to become and this vision has kept me from starting a blog for so long. I’m a visionary, I have strong vision, that’s who I am, but I have to respect the creative process and learn once again how to love it as I once did

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