New Moon February 2019 Stream of Consciousness

Yesterday during an editor’s meeting when we were of course critiquing writing, my part of the team poetry, I started feeling so faux about the whole thing. The whole process of critiquing art feels incredibly affected and contrived to me. How can anyone rightfully critique something subjective? Yes, there are ‘rules’ people develop through centuries, but even those aren’t set in stone and are constantly being broken. One person may say to never under any circumstances do a particular thing in art, but they’re more likely than not come across many exceptions to every single rule they may hold dear. That’s just how it goes. Who was the first person to put words on a surface? Who sounded out the first sentence? Who wrote the first poem? Did they give a shit about any rules? Did they even know what they were doing without labels to give what they were doing? Without the labels, there are no rules And the truth is, as any type of creator, you come upon your own rules but even those are liable to always be broken or one day you may wake up with the sudden undeniable urge to tear them apart. What stands out to me most is the banal. I can’t stand the banal, but some people enjoy the banal and consider what isn’t to be too selfinvolved or even nonsensical And if I was in a position of power, I couldn’t tell people to never be banal. It doesn’t work that way. That’s just working from a specific standard, form rather than being guided by your own spirit. When you’re guided by your spirit, what you create might be banal, but does that matter if what you’re creating is pure? The question that would naturally arise is…What is art?

Art to me has always right from the beginning been associated with soul. It’s all about the soul, the spirit. And thus, as I got older I recognized it as something highly spiritual. It’s heart in the purest sense That can’t be defined so easily, there are no rules. It’s yours. Art also transcends every category…photography, painting, writing, whatever it may be. Art, creation,… everything we create no matter what the result is part of the same primal process. Something quite innate to us, so much so it was always an inevitability we’d become creators and artists and if we do deny ourselves the right, I don’t feel we’re really living. I really don’t. Creation is blood, art is flesh and they also reside in our blood and flesh. They are our blood and flesh Every aspect of our lives could be art if we let it be. If someone was to ever sit in a room and start critiquing creation and art then it would seem quite odd, like it was part of a culture ultimately uprooting the beauty of creation, destruction, and art and the blood, the fire…they’re lost I despise it. If ever when I critique people on a personal, oneonone level, I make sure they know what I see is what I see, not what people see. It’s all subjective, the connective tissue between us softens and hardens and varies in color as the blood pulses through even if we can all feel it. Any artist worth their shit has both humility but also the balls to know when and what to disregard in what others say about what they create. So it doesn’t bother me at all if people choose to disregard what I say if I’m to critique their work and I encourage that just as I take everything others say about my art. The value I get from it is having someone else with a different perspective who can open my eyes and broaden my vision so that I see what I may not have otherwise, but that’s all. It’s always gonna be subjective and that’s the beauty of it. I’m gonna go so far as to say no art has rules and it doesn’t matter what it is. Techniques are tools, not rules. Anything that restricts the artistic process is death debasing the concept of creation itself, and that’s stated even with a considerable portion of the creative process involving destruction and chaos If I was ever forced to become a teacher, my focus would never be on teaching my ways, but helping people find their own ways. Anything that to me feel restrictive is just a huge turnoff and I’d never be able to do that to anyone. My focus would be on helping people open their souls to that fire and that blood running through the creative process, their own fire and their own blood, not mine. Especially since my attraction to artistic expression was at first safe harbor in a sense of liberation and freedom from all that threatened to hold me captive in the world around me. That’s what I’d want to open people up to, not close them to a list of rules. That would be so against the fiber of my entire self and being that I just couldn’t do it

I’m gonna start more heavily restricting myself on how much time I give tv shows or games. They’re incredibly disruptive on every level and I can’t do this anymore. There’s so much wrong around us it’s so easy to get distracted and when you get distracted, you start to lose touch with your spirit and it can feel like death. At least to me it does. I can’t deal with it, this state of constant decay the world wants to reduce us to…Anything can be art, the way we live can be art. Necrosis fades, blood returns. You forgot you needed to breathe and in an instance you take in all the air you’ve missed but then you can see all the decay around you, all that lifeless, rotting. It’s a tough task not falling prey to it as the distorted and marred psyche fully assaulted might see it as so intoxicatingly beautiful as it sucks you dry and turns you into nothing. It’s not without its siren songs, in fact, that’s what it’s entirely composed of, that decay…We have to struggle to find the fire now. It’s so lost. That’s the most disturbing thing about living now. But we all have that power to deliver ourselves from it all and fully release ourselves to our own chaos, our own destruction and then our own creation

Life isn’t even worth living if you can’t live by your fire, but these days, you have to fight harder than ever for it. It’s not easy. It should be, but it isn’t because they don’t want us to have our fire. They want us to be lifeless and depressed and desperately searching for our souls in the very things that made us turn away from their fire in the first place I’m tempted to hate this world, but I’m gonna focus on what I can create in this world for as long as I have this life, as long as I am. We have such a vast array of tools for physical expression that this world could be a million times more beautiful than it is. It doesn’t have to be the way it is and that’s what I’m fighting for. That’s the reason I’m staying here. I believe in humanity and this world. But the whole game right now is that we’re tricked into enslaving our own selves and the only thing that keeps us tethered and tied down allowing them to do their will is that we don’t know we’re enslaving ourselves and that we’re the ones with the keys. The offensive on our liberty has never been so real, so alive, the greatest trick of all being that we’re told the tools with which we enslave ourselves are what make us the freest we’ve ever been…yet we’ve never been so fettered We really do have to fight for it and we shouldn’t have to but we do. That’s just how it is right now and if you’ve even stepped into the ring, you’ve already unlocked the shackles, but you also have to keep them off

I’m so done. I’m just done with living any portion of my life without my fire. I’m severing ties. I can’t do it anymore. No hesitation, and I can confidently say ‘fuck you’ to anything that tries to take my fire away because I’m far greater than anything that would ever try to. ‘Fuck you’ and I’m moving on, that’s all. I’m not doing this anymore. I know what and who I am and I’m refusing what doesn’t serve my fire in any moment. I refuse to live a life that feels like decay because I know what I need and I finally realize how simple it is. Nobody can take my fire away from me, only I could ever give it up and I’ve spent too much time giving it up to the hells of this world

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