Dreaming in Lucidity

I am sleep deprived and I tried valerian root—

my first night on valerian, I heard strange noises like paper rustling in the further corner of my room across from my bed, and my half dreaming mind imagined my favorite cat was there moving around or something, although the half awake part of me was afraid a cockroach was the culprit and if I fell asleep, I’d wake up with my worst enemy attached to my face. Nevertheless, I eventually did get back to sleep and when I did, I found myself in a horrid nightmarish realm in which my favorite cat, Delphine, was indeed in my room along with my other cat, Skadi, who shuns me for reasons I can’t comprehend and therefor wouldn’t have been in my room anyway. The nightmare wasn’t that Skadi was in my room though, but that I heard he and Delphine fighting and he being larger cat, though far less bestial, managed to tear part of her ear off, eat one of her legs, and defying all laws of rationality, burn her skin. She was still alive and I was carrying her throughout the house attempting to get someone to help me take her to the vet because I’m 26 and I can’t drive(I choose not to for religious reasons), however everyone in the house was being so cavalier despite the fact her entrails were leaking all over the floor. All they did was clean up the mess and say they’d take her to the vet later

Later. I do despise when people say they’ll ‘do it later’

but of course, the beauty of nightmares is that when you wake up, reality seems a whole lot more beautiful than it did before you fell asleep and all I wanted was to hug Delphine and smother her until she demanded I let her return to whatever it is that cats actually do when they so feverishly desire to go outside

so the next night I decided I needed to put in some real deal spiritual practice, right? If I wanted to have some wicked vivid dreams and have those wicked vivid dreams not actually be wicked, I needed to call upon the gods, my guardian angels, the universe, fucking Thor or Sehkmet or whomever. As much as I’m joking, I really did take it seriously. I have a particular protection sigil I use that works for me and I developed a new one last night devoted to dream travel. I prayed to my spirits to bring me guidance and clarity and any tools I need for my journey forward, although admittedly, I’m a child and a part of me just wants to play and explore in the astral planes. My initiatory experiences have been a lot of fun so far, so I want to keep that momentum going

I prayed, I asked my guides to be with me, I used my sigils, and enacted a bit of a ritual with intention of dream lucidity and exploration. I have developed a technique of lucid dreaming that works for me, so I used that as I fell into my lovely valerian haze and I had quite a few very vivid dreams with varying levels of lucidity, but generally very keen lucidity

But the true climax of this experience was something more beautiful than just play and adventure…it was something I didn’t consider even being possible though I do claim emphatically that the possibilities with dream lucidity may well be infinite…I decided at one point in my dream state that I wanted to go somewhere new, somewhere different. So I focused and I found myself in a dark, dimly brown hall with many, many identical doors and very few lights. Not a place I enjoyed, very simple, just a dim brown hall with basic lights and ordinary doors. I chose one on the right hand side a few doors down at random not really knowing what I’d find on the other side—

what I found was a child with straight blond hair and freckles-sweet, smart, independent, and largely left to her own devices as I assumed her mother was neglectful or busy and gave her daughter, Abigail was her name, money to buy foods and go exploring through her town

I followed Abigail and we had many lovely conversations. Oddly enough, I had this irrational sense that she was a real person and that somehow the astral world and the physical world were connected as if I was actually there with her, not just in spirit or in dream, but in reality. I even carried a journal with me to write things down and take the notes with me into my waking life.  I knew I was in the astral world, but there was this meshing collision that occurred for me and I’m not sure why. I’ll write it off as general stupidity on my part

Regardless, I stayed with Abigail throughout her day and I recall one instance of her mother opening the door to her room and half walking in, as I assumed she halfassed just about everything with Abigail, and yelling at her about something. I forgot what it was, but I could tell Abigail was upset. When I asked her about how she felt, she denied anything was wrong even though she’d suddenly closed up and gone quiet. That reminded me of how I’d react to my own mother when she would yell at me, so I could empathize and I knew she was just stewing in self hatred and questioning and so many chaotic emotions she couldn’t begin to speak about it if she wanted to

Another moment I remember with Abigail is that we were in a hospital and strangely enough, she was there to pick up medication for her mother. I looked at the mother’s name on the prescription papers and her name was my mother’s name but with a single letter different. It didn’t dawn on me quite yet that that wasn’t a coincidence and I was still caught up in this belief that Abigail was a girl living in another part of the world whose life I just randomly barged into in some strange astral form

There was another instance where my uncle who I lived with for a few years and just loved to antagonize me showed up in our adventures together to antagonize me some more which should’ve been another sign to me that Abigail wasn’t exactly a separate entity I’d visited . I could tell this greatly disturbed Abigail as his yelling only escalated, though I couldn’t fully comprehend why since he was directing his anger and screaming toward me and not toward her,…but I could understand she was a child and was sensitive to such things whether directed at her or not. I held her and attempted to comfort her by offering her some insight into why my uncle was behaving so vitriolically and so nastily— I did confide in her that I had considered killing him in the dream to ease my own pain since he wouldn’t actually die in the physical world, but I decided against it

I still didn’t quite get ‘it’

We were getting ready to part ways, so I asked her for her name and location so maybe I could find her in the ‘real world’ and I took out my notebook to write it down. She gave me her name…Abigail from Cheese Field(yes I know, funny name and I have no Earthly idea what it might mean because I don’t think it’s an actual place), and I attempted to write it down. That’s when I woke up as my physical body was filled with urge to write down that information

What I came to realize upon examining the contents of the dream adventure and trying to make sure it would store in my memory is that when I walked through that long hallway filled with identical doors, I was walking through a hallway of my own subconscious. Abigail was a facet of my childhood self. Her mother’s name being just one letter off from mine was symbolic of the fact so much of her own experiences resonated with my own experiences, but there were differences in context and some specifics

I’m new when it comes to exploring lucid dreams, but when I reach that state of true lucidity, I realize just about anything can be done in the dream world. I’m eager to explore all I can do and to maybe speak to ancestors or explore far off worlds, even worlds of my own creation, but I think I’m gonna be visiting that hallway a lot in the coming months

Working through childhood trauma and general healing from my self destructive mindset I carried for years is a new endeavor of mine and largely it can leave me feeling powerless as to how to approach it because so much has become boarded up and suppressed. But I’m doing this because I have to to become who I need to be and to no longer let my light be obscured by my darkness

I believe darkness is vital, but I believe it also must not control us. When issues related to past trauma come up, my darkness controls me and I can’t be the person I want and need to be with this beast reaching out from within me every now and again and threatening every fiber of my life and soul

Language as Liberation

rebellion– the highest act of rebellion in this day is to defy the ‘rules’ of language as they seek to restrict

liberation– to be free is to have your reality and expression unhindered by limiting factors in the form of words and concepts

I was given a prompt by my professor this past week to divulge my opinion on the perspective of historical linguistics that languages decay and become mutilated over time(and those were the actual words used, not my being hyperbolic)– I of course heavily, wholeheartedly, and with every ounce of my soul disagreed and most of the class being young people who engage in very modernized language everyday did as well, but I do have my particular reasons:

Language is not to be tamed or controlled and I posit that to do so would actually portend the decay of a society in which that language is being systematically tamed. Our English language is tamed just the same and I do have my own qualms with that which is why I don’t see the value in “proper grammar” or even proper spelling and I assume complete and total poetic license in any work of literature, formal or informal, artistic or academic. To tame language is to tame meaning and meaning is a wordless, infinite, and largely unfathomable thing. It is and it can’t be held or comprehended. It never stops beating and no single beat is ever alike. Our use of sound and symbol to represent meaning should be organic because meaning itself is organic, not controlled, not predictable, not systematically observable. Nothing is ever truly repeated, we only give our reality the veneer of order and repetition…systematization. I believe chaos is close to truth than order and also that the human soul is of chaos

For example, you can say you’re happy when you’re with your romantic partner, but in truth, what you’re feeling is something so deep that words couldn’t even begin to conquer its expression. You may feel such depth of feeling every time you’re with your partner, but they’re never exactly the same feelings with the same meanings and thus they aren’t repeated or repeatable. Yet you may still say you feel happy despite the fact beneath the surface of that simple word is that chaos of unrepeatable experience and seeming randomness of arousal. By that I mean that we don’t plan to have these experiences that incite such deep meaning. By all appearances, they’re random

What if you decided to come up with a new utterance to encapsulate all that you feel in a single moment with that partner? Is that valid? Is it invalid just because it’s ‘not a word’? Of course it’s valid. If it wasn’t, then we wouldn’t have words in the first place and there is no rational reason for anyone to stick a flag in our language system and declare that it has reached its apex and we must suspend all evolution. Words flow and form and are uttered organically, not by some system that can be coded and controlled

I do note there’s a common bias that what was done in the past and how things were done in the past is somehow more right than what is done now or could be done in the future. How could one justify such a limiting belief? We don’t know the possibilities until we push the boundaries and see what’s on the other side. I believe this stems from a fear of the unknown, but I also believe it should be embraced because without the embrace of the beautiful unknown, we would have no progression, no evolution– all would be static and unmoving

But let’s go back to the beginning, How did language arise in the first place? It’s not like we can know for sure unless we develop a time machine and wouldn’t care to risk fucking up a timeline, but I would wager everything I own that it didn’t arise from a predetermined and limited system of sounds and meanings because that would be impossible. The most likely case is that language arose as humans felt or observed facets of their internal and external worlds and needed means to communicate them either for survival or just for the plain old human need for connection. That’s what I mean by organic. Why should we stop? Can we actually claim that language has reached its apex or that it’s been in a decline? What would that even mean? How could language be declining? The only way it could be in decline is if we as a humanity were losing our ability to express and explore meaning through words which, actually, I suppose in a way we are. If language is in decline, it’s more to do with strict academic rules. But that’s of course why we have the rebels who choose the route of poetry

Language is about meaning, plain and simple…intricate and complex. If it can’t be used to represent meanings, then it’s useless. Suspending its natural and organic evolution may as well just render it an artifact to be viewed in a museum wordlessly musing what once was but never will be again. We may as well be robots if our language was to become so controlled and preserved because to control language is to control us, people

Change is not decay and is not mutilation. We can peer into languages of the past or ancient forms of modern languages and gain such a beautiful and enriched insight into how they lived. We can look at etymology and note how word meanings have changed and forms have changed and what perhaps these changes mean in terms of how we’ve changed. We can even use historical linguistics and etymology for a deeper conception of the words we use now, but change is not decay and change is not mutilation

Humanity shouldn’t be subject to systems that limit expression or plague it with the concept that things must remain the same or that meaningless action and repetition are honorable. I say society would decay if language was fully preserved because to do so would be to wholly halt the expression of spirit and soul in everyday discourse and action. Since words essentially form our entire realities, to systematize and preserve language is to preserve society, but that means preventing it from further discovery and transformation and preventing it from any semblance of forward or outward movement(as I believe things to not be linear). We’d become a machine, just a machine. A machine with predictable parts that do exactly what they’re supposed to do as dictated by some higher order creator, easily controlled, easily replaced. We’d be robots, controlled and coded

My theory is that disorders like anxiety and depression are on the rise because we’re being pushed for so much order and systematization. Language is a part of that and really, language is at the foundation of it since words form our realities. Each spirit is so unique and intricate that its inner connection to meaning just cannot be bagged and tagged. Repetition(via systems) is inherently registered as decay to the human soul which naturally seeks continuous meaning, experience, and creation

So I believe it’s imperative we rebel against structured language, grammar, spelling– When you feel something that you can’t put into words, feel the sounds and the meaning through your body and that is the purest language you can attain

 

Poetic Experimentation – See

This is kind of an experiment in prosaic poetry as well as just a little bit of what I call ‘decomposing language’. The words that seem like they’re not in English aren’t in any structured language at all, but they’re still meaningful. That’s the most intriguing thing to me about sounds. They have inherent meaning that has nothing at all to do with systematic language. That’s one of the things I’m exploring. And in truth, this really needs to be heard, not read. True meaning of is translated through the body and the sound so I’m gonna look into getting some decent recording set up so I can actually recite these writings rather than just share them as written

I also experimented with a bit of visual poetry and automatic symbol drawing to accompany it– Warning: I’m not a visual artist, but that’s not gonna stop me 😉

PoeticMonart

poeticMon1poeticMon2

Glossolalia- Decomposing Sytematic Language

I’ve been a ‘writer'(someone who enjoys writing badly or otherwise) since I was a small child and for me, it was a source of liberation. From what, I hadn’t an idea. Not yet. I was always searching for something that seemed so close to me and yet I couldn’t touch it nor penetrate it with my mind. I understand that now to be wordlessness. I was using words to imbibe myself with this beautiful wordlessness, that force that takes you over when you just can’t help but dance, that energy that pulls you through creative inspiration

I’m not delving deep yet, but I’m moreso setting up a little foundation for myself to bounce off of as what I really want to explore is glossolalia. And it’s funny because I used to want so badly to be able to learn every language in the world because I figured if I could do that, I could understand and see everything and that divine, sacred energy would flow through me without hindrance. But now I realize it’s not about learning these systematized languages as I’ve come to view every system as antithetical to soulfulness, but it’s about escaping the confines of language into that wordless realm and transcribing what can only be felt in vast impressions

As a writer, that brings me interest in glossolalia. I’ve only just dipped my toes in it, but I’ve explored linking sounds with feelings and with symbols or sigils made with my hands and body, using voice and physicality as a language rather than binding myself to these strict systems of language. I believe these systems distort meaning and only enable us to access a small fractal of something infinite

One of my goals in life is to explore this and go so deeply that I can easily flow into glossolalia, translating my feelings and thoughts and impressions into dance and sound. As such, my interests are not strictly in words. I aim to explore music and visual arts, but of course I could never say I’ll be a master of anything. I’m an explorer and an experimenter first and foremost, not someone who desires to tie herself to the past or to strict rules and systems or research. I’m aiming to create and see what can’t be seen with concrete, Earthly systems and rules. My idea is that sounds have inherent meaning and our words aren’t just arbitrary but also cannot be controlled because meaning doesn’t exist within systems. It’s free and everevolving, never rooted in the past

I’m gonna be experimenting with what I call ‘decomposing language’ as well which is basically writing, and then pulling the words and concepts apart to their core, bare essences, and then creating new words

Apocalypse; Purification; Rebirth-Are we living in the ‘end times’?

tumblr_lu5xrqCMoz1r3iceno1_500

Right now, we’re in the midst of ecological disasters, a financial depression, and of course, a pandemic. It sure does seem like the apocalypse, right? And if we observe recent television, it’s almost as if the powers that be have been preparing us for an apocalypse over the past decade. It’s like they want us to believe the universe is hellbent on cutting the cord to all humanity

But this is not the end of days, this isn’t the rapture, this isn’t us heading for a raging, fiery collective death. This is us preparing for vast transformation

If there’s one thing life has taught me, it’s that great transformation doesn’t happen softly and soothingly, slowly and smoothly. It doesn’t happen while you’re being cuddled in your mother’s arms. It doesn’t happen with a single scratch you can put some Neosporin on and bandage up until it heals in a few days. And it doesn’t happen when you expect it to. Ever.– No, it happens while you’re smiling and thinking of all that beautiful progress you’ve made in life and without any trace of a warning, it hits you with a great gaping hole through your lungs that threatens your breath and every fiber of being left. It spreads itself like a virus through your veins and you’d swear you’re no longer bleeding and that viscous liquid squeezing itself from your body isn’t you, but some cancerous invader bent on wiping you clean away

Life destroys you. It destroys you. It puts you in your place, it humbles you. That coming transformation happens with laceration after laceration as you struggle to heal before the next one comes. It’s brutal and doesn’t dare hold back its punches. It hits you until you can’t walk, and you can’t even crawl. It brings you to the depths of hopelessness and waning light and makes you question if light ever existed or if it was just a figment of your imagination, just an illusion

But while you’re there statuesquely posed in the fetal position as if if you just stood still for long enough perhaps you’d be taken back to that sacred womb and not have to experience this brutal world, it forces you to contemplate why you ever breathed in the first place and why you kept yourself alive for all those years before the fatal blow. You’re faced with a choice: Life, or death. You’re forced to review what really matters, the beat and pulse of what you’re living for. Who and what you love. It destroys you so that all you are left with is what could never be destroyed: your soul and your passion, your love. Not a thing in this world could ever take those away from you. The human body is such a resilient thing, as is the human mind, and every aspect of it is built for survival no matter how dire the circumstances

So we stand here with all the systems we thought we could rely on crumbling, that false warmth and security failing. We stand here and we see just how much of what we thought mattered could be so easily destroyed and we have to question what it is that really matters to us, what it is that can’t be taken from us. Many of us are uncomfortable with our solitude because all those systems kept us distracted, they kept us from feeling our heart beats and from following their rhythm in favor of the cacophony of the modern Western world

This is a time for purification… as they say, purification by fire. Purification is not a beautiful thing. It hurts. It hurts like hell and it will bring you to the brink of death. But as your last breath splits itself, half alive and half dead, you seize it. You remember why you’re living, you remember why your heart beats and what makes it beat faster exuding light. You see so starkly what no atrocity could ever take from you. It could take your breath away, but it could never take your love, your spirit, your passion, and it could never truly take your life if you have those in your hands

It’s often when we stand to lose everything that we become aware of what really matters and what we could never let go of because it matters too much. All our egoic desires just dissolve when we see an entire world in peril and consider that we or ones we love could very well die. It’s through death we seize life and as a collective, we are symbolically dying so that we can be reborn

Reflections

I have a strong feeling that nothing is ever gonna be as it was and when that became apparent to me, it felt like a shock to my system. But upon further contemplation, I realized that this is the moment I’d been waiting for. I knew it was coming but I didn’t know how. I just knew that despite all my previous deaths, I’d face a single greater death that would far eclipse the rest. We as a collective have had the rug pulled out from underneath us. We see now that we’re all in pain, we’re all suffering. That is forcing us out of our own little bubbles lined with illusions that our individual suffering is somehow greater than others’ suffering

This awareness will propel us to more than ever join together to heal and to form new systems that work because so obviously the old systems didn’t work. It’s a time for newness. It’s a time for rebirth. It’s a time for new leaders to step up and create their own movements aimed at creating systems that run on symbiosis; symbiosis between humans, but also with the Earth

This pain is real and yes, I know people are dying, but we have to focus on the prospect of new life. What I know with absolute sureness is that when grand destruction occurs, the opportunity for equally grand growth is introduced. Yes, the world seems to be in shattered rubble, but what’s really occurring is that the parasitic systems that previously reigned are being torn away. It’ll leave a mark, but we’re being called to heal it and to rebuild, re-create, to use our creative power to introduce true symbiosis

For right now, I believe we’re being called to take a break from the oppressive, soulless systems that have been leeching off of us and to return to the heart. It’s an opportunity to tend to family and friend dynamics, but also to return to passions we may have long forgotten out of what felt like necessity. It’s a time to think and contemplate the coming changes we will be enacting when we’re released from lockdown. Pick up that guitar that’s collecting dust, pick up a pen and just start writing in that journal you’d wanted to start months before, pick up a new skill,… just whatever you do, create

I must admit that I foresee a great amount of turmoil we’re gonna have to endure before we can start rebuilding, but just strap in. Keep your spirits up. Dance. Engage in what you love. Enjoy time with your family. Heal what you hadn’t been able to heal while being parasitically leeched off of by corrupt systems

When ‘this is over’, things won’t be the same. Nothing can ever be the same. But what we’re gonna be left with is the pure foundation that had been seized by corrupt individuals and turned into the parasite it became, and we’re gonna create a more beautiful world in which everyone has the tools to thrive

Evolve or Die

Transformation. Think ‘rebirth’. To be reborn, you must die. And so we’re going through the flames and when ‘this is over’, we’re not gonna be the same people we were before just as the world will not be what it was. Collectively, we’re being called to grow up and as I said, it’s ‘evolve or die’ time

The choice we always have no matter the circumstances is to either fold, or evolve. You as an individual have your own choice as to how you’re gonna react to the chaos. Chaos isn’t the enemy. Chaos is inevitable. But the human mind is so powerful that no amount of chaos can overpower it unless it chooses to be overpowered. Humans at the core are creators and when you’re in the hands of your creative power, nothing can overpower you

Ultimately, whether or not we’re living in the end times is up to us, but it’s important to know that that’s our choice and we have all the power in the world to evolve, to transform. Would you rather live with limp breath, or embrace the call to transform?

So we will not be overpowered. We will evolve. We will rebuild. We will be reborn

Shifts

words, magic, wordless, sounds, glossolalia, dance, ritual, energy, perception, perspective, infinite possibilities, sigil, metaphor, symbolic, impressions, feeling, emotion

with just a few shifts, you’re in an entirely new universe

nothing and no one can overpower me because my creative mind will simply shift its way through whatever threatens to grasp it

isn’t it wild that with simple perspective shift, nothing can overpower you? become a master perspective shifting, seeing all angles, then you’ll always be free

my theory is that there’s far more we can do with perspective shifting than just getting ourselves through everyday obstacles. I’m thinking perhaps there are infinite layers to existence that can be uncovered simply by shifting perspective and doing a little wordplay

A Wordless World

–I’m just getting back into using my blog again as I’d abandoned it, I know. But I wanted to introduce and explore lightly a concept that underpins almost every other concept I hold close to my mind and soul– the wordless realm–

tumblr_mrzll4UDZB1rtwbvyo1_500

Here’s an exercise: Look around you wherever you are, whatever environment you’re in. How do you process what your physical senses are receiving? Almost immediately your mind categorizes everything into words, but for a very split second before that occurs, you get a glimpse into a world without words

We’re inundated from early childhood with the idea that we must bag, tag, and label the world around us into words. But is there a possibility that by doing so, we’re disabling ourselves from seeing vastly more of the world we live in? It’s all about perception and words are, in a way, the building blocks of our perception. And if we don’t have a word for something, we feel lost or perhaps we toss it aside and just tell ourselves it’s not important because no word or phrase exists to explain it

Our minds are programmed to package the world around us into words, into language. But I believe that could be a handicap when it comes to accessing our true capabilities as human beings

The Sapir-Whorf hypothesis introduces the idea of linguistic relativity. In short, it’s possible that the languages we use to package our perception of the world around us into affect how we view the world. I heavily believe this to be true and it makes sense

Perception dictates what we believe about our capabilities in the world we’re interacting with. We already know that. But what if it runs far deeper than selfhelp mantras and getting ourselves through the various obstacles life presents us?

When we’re presented an obstacle, we may be inclined to feel stuck and powerless, but with a simple shift of perspective and word, the obstacle dissolves. What if our entire reality/realities are coded in these words and if we just shift our language use we could open up doors to limitlessness, to infinity?

I’m gonna introduce another idea dear to me– An individual in touch with their creative self is so powerful nothing can overpower them. It’s about the mind. The mind dictates our perception and thus the possibilities we see in front of us. The creative mind is able to turn x into y or f or into all at the same time. The creative mind is uncapturable. The creative mind can perceive infinite possibilities and can see clearly that all obstacles exist only in the mind

To tie this back to the concept of ‘wordlessness’, if you look around you and just remove all words, all labels(meaning, if you see a tree, forget the word tree or the concept of a tree), what do you see? For a second, you’re able to perceive timelessness, infinity, limitlessness because those concepts of time, finity, and limitation are encoded with words

My other idea is that these concepts can change the world for the better. In fact, I believe they can save the world

But I also have  a question I’ve put myself on a journey to explore: Can access to a wordless world enable access to ‘superhuman’ capabilities or possibilities within our realities we see as impossible? Can we essentially ‘break the matrix’ just by using words? Can we possibly repackage our perception into a new language that enables us greater power as creator beings?– These are some of the concepts I aim to explore. I’m a child. I’m a beginner, an eternal beginner. I don’t know the answers. I want to experiment, I want to play, I want to explore and I want to push the limits

–This isn’t complete and I haven’t dived too deeply, but I’m aiming to become more consistent so that I can enable this all to make sense to others besides just myself and so that I can explain what it means and why it matters because it is massive–