The Power of Words — What are Symbols and how do they connect to the Astral Realm?

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I want to add that while this symbolic realm can be explored with the whimsy of a child who doesn’t know what she has to lose, this realm can be dangerous. At first, you may also feel as if you’re going insane as you’ll begin feeling and perceiving what ‘isn’t there’ or doesn’t seem to be real, even though it is real. And that’s another reason why it can be dangerous. When you figure out how real it is and begin to see things you don’t like, how are you gonna handle it? That’s up to you, however, the truth is liberating and it’s only through traversing this realm that we can find our footing and understand how to handle it all with relative grace, if possible. I still say…Fucking go there. It’s fun once you get past the scary shit!! No but really, don’t go in halfassed. I believe that people can do themselves harm if they go in with one foot, they can perceive these echos, but they’re still listening to the physical realm that tells them they aren’t real. That’s a curious case in which the awareness might be what causes something to eat away at them rather than liberate them. It’s liberation they must grant themselves with their own hands. The echos are real, you have to believe it. Then you also need grounding and balance. There are layers to this and it isn’t easy to go this gracefully, but you learn with time

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I’ll quote myself first off, but this is important as it dawned on me that nothing else is really gonna make sense unless I explain what I mean by ‘symbols’. I tend to use words not as they’re meant to be used necessarily, but they take on an entirely new meaning for me

“Once we detach ourselves from all the labels and assumptions, then we can begin to use words to explore something you will never read about in a linguistics book or a psychology textbook. Enter the realm of symbol and abstract, a world with no bars, a world where you’re only a slave if you choose to be, the realm where words are yours and there are no rules, a world where we reach just a little closer to the roots of our human language

…what exists separate from words that words can aide us in exploring if we let them. There’s an entire universe that exists before we give things form and structure and definition and say what they are because what they are isn’t in a word or even the most eloquent string of them”

I would describe the symbolic realm as what is but what isn’t. We can’t see it with our physical eyes, but we know it exists because we can feel it and because can perceive it. Walking here feels unsafe and perhaps we do risk much in traversing it as we’re not dealing with the corporeal anymore. That’s damage that even if fatal, at least we can understand why it happened. While we don’t risk permanent death in the symbolic, abstract realm, we risk losing or damaging things in ways we can’t comprehend. Someone may have an entity attached to them and not at all be aware, yet it’s there draining and siphoning, eating away at them. The entity can’t be seen with physical eyes in most cases, but the damage occurring is real and worse because this isn’t something that follows logic or rationality. It follows a much higher order of understanding

In the astral realm we’d be able to see this entity clearly, but in this physical world we can’t. These two realms exists as one and if we’re not aware of that fact, we’re more vulnerable. We’re basically walking around with a tattoo on our forehead that reads ‘dumb ass’. Just saying. Anyway…

What happens there happens here and vice versa. That’s the takeaway. But most of us cannot see that realm. I can’t. But I understand it and I know why I do: Its threads and tendrils, its ‘coding’ is built in symbolism. Its fabric is not logical, it’s symbolic. Symbolism is a means of working and creating within that realm without actually seeing it. Symbols are the echo of the astral realm in the physical realm

Someone may be able to perceive that something is draining them without being able to see the entity doing the draining by feeling which is also an echo. Energy is another echo. Feeling, energy, and symbols are tools by which we can actually create within the astral realm and that is a highly important skill because like I said, what happens here happens there and what happens there happens here. If we can work with what’s happening there, we can affect what’s happening here in the corporeality, to our physical bodies, to our brains, to the world itself  and we can affect those things as well if we understand how to use feeling, energy, and symbols

I can now justify why I’ve always since I was a child felt arts were sacred. They are. Artists of all shades have the ability to not only create in this physical world, but in a way that etches itself into the astral realm. To be clear, that’s a very powerful ability and shouldn’t be used haphazardly or be thought to be a solely saccharine skill as it isn’t. It very much isn’t. If you’re aware of feeling and energy, you’re not just gonna be aware of what feels good or what fills you, you’re gonna be aware of opposing forces and how they play with each other and what they do. Energy is very massive aspect of the echo we receive of the astral realm. Feeling and symbolism are too. This is why it could be said what you feel is more real than anything. And don’t think that’s a limiting concept either as when you accept how real they are, you’re also taking on a greater rite: The ability to manipulate feeling and energy and thus create in a way that imprints itself into the astral realm as well as the physical realm

I believe feeling and energy are a lot easier to understand than symbols, though. But make no mistake, as humanity has aged, its slowly but surely detached from these fundamental aspects of the realm that is that we can’t see with our physical eyes. Symbolism was the first to robbed and this occurred after the advent of written language. As someone who’s passionate about writing, it may seem counterintuitive for me to say such a thing, but what a creative writer does is give word to the wordless. So it’s a means of using words to work withing that symbolic, wordless realm

I want to make it clear that that symbolic realm isn’t the same as the astral realm. It’s the coding, it’s the threading, it’s the fabric,…at least for us as human beings

I also have a theory on how we gradually lost touch with symbols, but I’ll save that. The important thing to know is that words aren’t their definitions, they’re what you feel, they’re their energy, they’re what they represent. Fire we know to burn our skin, to scar us if we get too close for too long,…fire we know is wild and untamed, it’s enrapturous and grand, it’s painful and beautiful, it’s passionate and…and at some point we realize what it is isn’t able to be fit into vocabulary, into any words, not even a collection. We can try and creative writers do our best, but to speak of what things really aren’t isn’t an easy task. What fire is is something subjective. To some it’s destructive, to others it’s vital. To me it’s vital and beautiful and incredibly erotic, torturous but in a pleasurable way. What is this? What am I doing here? I’m looking at fire as something symbolic. There are so many layers to it and at the most primal levels, it cannot be uttered because there just aren’t any words for what fire is. That’s what I mean by detaching ourselves from the physical world to understand what things really are. When we detach ourselves, what they are becomes so much clearer but also so subjective it’s uncomfortable, almost aching, it’s scary and intimidating because it is us. It’s you. It’s me. What is the ultimate unknown to your own self? It’s you. That’s why so many of us shun ourselves and reject contemplation

But have no fear because you’ll get the hang of it as you surrender to its wonder. That was a very basic explanation of symbolic perception and trust me, there are so many more layers to it than that and it has infinite depth and breadth. Aspects of a symbol can hardly be considered a single symbol. Every symbol echos into the other and expands itself through every other one in infinite intricate ways. This universe is one with infinite facets and infinite layers. It’s infinite. That may be why it’s so intimidating, but to an adventurer, it’s so exciting and exhilarating. I’m an explorer so I never could deny it once I saw it even if sometimes it hurts, I know it’s for the best

In our daily lives, we may come across words or objects or anything that exists physically that makes us feel something indescribable, something that delivers us a message that there’s something else there. That’s a hint that there’s something vital there to us symbolically, something that exists in our astral realm. So even if you can’t astral travel, you can still recognize the echos and learn how to manipulate and create within that realm without actually being there

Symbolic perception is my perception. It’s just how I understand the world. When I look at anything, I don’t see what it is in a physical sense, but in that symbolic sense that exists without words. It takes time for a clearer image to unravel of what it is to me because it has to be processed through such an infinite plane of understanding. I can’t force it. I’m a slave to it. I can listen, I can feel, and I can give it fuel as it goes along on its journey, but it takes time and it’s supposed to. The result is something immense and grand and something that has an existence in every aspect of my universe and my astral territory

I’ll be honest and admit that this is a bit of a handicap in terms of existing in the physical realm and adjusting to it. That’s taken me a very long time…to learn something that comes so naturally to most, but I think if you perceive this realm first, you may actually be at an advantage as most people may live their entire lives not being entirely aware of it whereas if you’re born there, you’re forced to become aware of both

Anything of any significance to you,…just take it, look at it, think about what it makes you feel, you’ll notice those first pings have no words. Stop there for a while and explore. Get to know its primordial building blocks, the symbolic and abstract. Your conception of what it ‘is’ will be a lot more prolific and full. These aren’t just the fundamental, primordial pieces of what these ‘things’ are, but what you are. This is a means of understanding yourself in the most intimate way possible. While that might not sound too savory to many, understand that once you get get your footing here, what’s in the palm of your hands transcends this physical realm and our assumed limitations here. It’s a gateway to magick, personal and universal magick. Magick that affects you, and magick that affects the physical world and people. So yes, it’s actually pretty badass but there also needs to be grounding and understanding. While the spirit can’t die, we can affect our connection with our spirit in such a way that become seriously disturbed and while it’s curable, will you cure it?

So symbolism is as I said basically the coding of this other realm, this realm we can’t see while awake and with our eyes. Using them to actually affect that realm is another story, but this is a basic necessity to understand if you ever want to do that with any skill. That skill is magick. Many of us use magick without even knowing it, but if you knew what you were doing, it may astound you. As true as the message is that it isn’t all fun and games, learning how to create in a way that etches it into the astral realm, learning how to use the tools we were endowed with to pierce the veil into what is not seen, is the means to a fulfilling life. Understanding symbolism is not only useful, but vital, and worse it’s one of those tools that has been skillfully ripped from our hands. So take it back. The invitation is there and always has been. Yes you may feel as if you’re losing your mind at first, but then you’ll realize you never had it and you’re finally finding it. Surrender, walk in, take the first step. Dare to, dare yourself, be, live, explore, see, find, be, know, be, reclaim, see. Paradox is no longer paradox. Somehow it makes more sense than anything else

The Plutonic Journey, Rising the Phoenix Vulnerable and Empowered her Raw, Core truths Bared to the Cosmos

My theory is that we’re all meant to go through the Plutonian journey and I was responding to someone who felt only certain individuals were meant to and then it spurred this massive realization about Pluto partially in thanks to my beautiful sister who’s heavily Scorpionic and Plutonian

(this will be revised, but as of right now, it is a stream of consciousness)

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Everyone goes through that process of having subconscious blockages brought to light. Going through a process of digging through our darkness because what’s there has power over us as long as we don’t face it and own our darkness. That’s just the trial of life. Pluto symbolizes that process, but we all have Pluto’s presence in us somehow

Before I knew a thing about astrology, I was very passionate about transformation myself, facing my darkness, my truths hidden in my consciousness, learning from it so as to reclaim my power. I was also very much aligned with the ‘Phoenix rising from the ashes’ motif. I was very heavily involved with Plutonian themes like destruction, death, going as deep as possible, to the core, the raw core no matter how much it hurt, pain, my shadow. And I’ve always been very obsessive as well, especially with these concepts

But I also had Plutonian issues of control and projecting my feelings of powerlessness onto others

In all honesty, I’m very Plutonian energetically, yet I’m not sure I’d be considered Plutonian astrologically. So I do think we all are meant to go through this process. That’s what growth is all about, we’re not meant for stagnation. We’re all meant to dig through the meat, the rotting necrotic flesh of us and bring it back to life. We’re all meant to experience countless little deaths and destructions so as to recreate ourselves

I do believe that’s what Pluto’s about. That’s why people who don’t do the work are likely to project their feelings of powerlessness out into the world

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Before I knew anything about astrology or Pluto, I was very very passionate about and aligned with Plutonian energy. But I still don’t know if my chart would reflect that Plutonianism. So I’m definitely convinced we’re all meant to go through that process

People have even thought I must be a Scorpio rising before. And I’ve been noted as having Plutonian energy, but I’m not sure if people would actually consider me Plutonian looking at my chart

So I wonder why I’d be so heavily Plutonian if it’s not reflected in my tropical chart nor my sidereal chart. Actually, in sidereal, I’m a Scorpio NN, but I still don’t think that accounts for how heavily Plutonian I am energetically. It just raises many questions and I truly do believe we’re meant to all go through this process of delving into the deepest aspects ourselves, destroying what isn’t ours and isn’t real and carrying with us what is real, finding our power in the destruction, our light in the darkness

I think this is an important discussion… Perhaps we’re all meant to explore the themes of every planet regardless of their presence in our charts. And Pluto is such a vital, very very human planet symbolically
This discussion is getting meaty and real, I love it
I truly believe we must all go through this

I only just came to this realization. I’ve been wondering why I’m so Plutonian yet it’s not reflected in my chart…

It’s highly possible that we’re all meant to experience the journeys represented by each planet, but various life circumstances can trigger different planets to become more prominent at various points in life

For instance, I went through a lot of trauma growing up and I was forced to delve into my darkness and use it to find my power because of that

Is Pluto misunderstood? Perhaps so. It’s considered a malefic, but what if the malefics are just some of the most crucial energies to our development? They’re just more likely than other planets, potentially, to become outwardly destructive because they represent such intense processes

Might Pluto be associated with love? Perhaps so. Once we start digging into our subconscious, we feel powerless to all this energy within us. How we handle it is part of our Plutonian journey. If we’re caught up in feelings of powerlessness and trying to find our power, we may not be able to purely love others until we work through these issues. Yet once we do, love may be much more pure and truly intimate as others are no longer a threat to our power

My Scorpio super stellium sister has recently come to many realizations about love and embraced it, as an example. She’s EXTREMELY scorpionic and as a matter of fact, she has an Aries moon so she’s very Martian as well. Yet her journey has led her to embracing love. And not just ordinary love, but this piercing, allencompassing love that strikes through all of humanity. She now preaches to ‘look for the love’ and she believes that what everyone does is ultimately about love and seeking it

Does Pluto rule death? Perhaps it rules our grapplings with the unknown, what we perceive as beyond us and thus more powerful than we are solely because we don’t understand it. But through the harsh journey of coming to terms with death and what it means, we come to understand life. If we follow the path as painful as it may be, we ultimately reach a point where we no longer feel powerless and so we can approach life as vulnerable creatures without defense, without mental, spiritual, emotional, or even physical weapons because we no longer need to. Strength in vulnerability. And in this state where we feel no need to project any latent feelings of powerlessness upon others, and in this state where we no longer perceive possible threats ready to overpower us at any moment, we arise like the Phoenix with all that is not us destroyed, dusted, ashed, and what we are is our core selves. Our core, true, raw selves are able to give and receive true love, not love laced with the shards of these power struggles

And it dawned on me that Pluto’s journey from planet, to dwarf planet, to planet in terms of NASA’s standards is highly symbolic, the proverbial phoenix rising from the ashes. Pluto is small and vulnerable and yet immensely powerful

 

 

 


So perhaps Pluto is about love, or more accurately, vulnerability which allows love to flow purely

Rituals–Surviving a Modern World as an Energy Sensitive Individual

Stream of consciousness on energy and a new realization I’ve had built since my new moon fast(which I highly recommend, by the way(it was my first fast and brought me much clarity))

–For anyone who is energy sensitive just as I am, I’m not just expressing my experiences because I find myself to be such a fascinating creature I just must be written about. I’m attempting to perhaps awaken something in others and I’ll talk more about rituals and what I believe them to be so that perhaps others can create their own. We shouldn’t have to live our lives feeling like weak, fractured beings when in all actuality our sensitivity is a calling for something grander

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I’m what I’d call ‘energy sensitive’, and that’s exactly why I talk a lot about energy so much. It’s such a crucial subject for me and many others that it’s literally make or break in terms of what happens in our lives. A major realization I had today after my third day developing my own Ritual of Light is that I spent so many years absorbed in my mind, my emotions, my cosmic self not taking any action whatsoever in the physical world around me simply because if I was properly occupying my body, I’d essentially be a slave to the energy around me…and that energy was just too overbearing, to powerful for me, huh?

I remember as a teenager when I started to have this energy crisis even though I had always been sensitive to emotional energy and pretty much knew it on an intuitive level. A once fiery, passionate, untamed mind started becoming dull and nearly lifeless. I was losing myself, my essence, things I held so dearly..my spirit. Around that time, I started suffering awful migraines which carried on for years after so I have to wonder if they’re related. I felt so drained, so dead, and my active mind began to stale. I couldn’t stand it, but I couldn’t deny it was happening. I tried a few things to help myself: On some level I think I knew it involved the nature and the sun as if they would be my saving graces. I tried to keep my window completely open with sun coming into my room all day, but it didn’t seem to work. Eventually I became fed up with the migraines and decided the sun was in fact my enemy. I proceeded to live like a vampire with a thick blanket over my window insuring I had no idea what time of day or night it was at any given time. Following this episode was a massive personality shift and a delving into darkness, true, palpable darkness, that completely transformed my life…for the positive, I must add. And if I choose to go into this darkness, it’ll make sense of why I’m so passionate about death-life, darkness-light, destruction-creation, but I’ll save that for another day

Nearly a decade later, I’m now working on grounding myself, rejoining the physical world I’ve avoided for so long as my higher self is calling me to take action now. I’ve spent enough time thinking, contemplating existence and beyond, every fractal of light and darkness. I’m realizing again just how extremely draining the energy in the environment can be for me. And it’s not always draining. Sometimes it’s stimulating on a very destructive level which I quite enjoy for the sheer rawness. If there is beautiful energy around me, I will feel it to my core, but unfortunately, that energy isn’t so thriving in my current environment. This isn’t just the emotional environment which does affect me deeply, but the energy of a midsized city in a nearly broken down neighborhood

The death in the nature, in the spirit of all around me…I can feel the death. That’s part of the reason I retreated into myself as a teenager. I started feeling this energy and I couldn’t figure it out…just where it was coming from, I only knew it was draining me clean blood dry. The world became my vampire and as a consequence I fell so into the depths of myself I almost lost myself to solipsism or even to the vacuumous darkness itself. So the puzzling thing is that if I was falling prey to the darkness around me, why when I retreated completely did I start embodying darkness itself? Easy for me to answer now. By avoiding it, I gave it tacit control. I surrendered to the chaos, to the darkness, to the destruction without knowing it and so these forces controlled me and I was their halfconscious, fervent servant

So I’m returning to this dream I had about energy a few months ago that I consider a gift–What I remember is that I was a small girl and I was with another little girl, right my age. I didn’t really recognize the girl, but I feel like we were practicing together, not like I was being taught. We were teaching each other. We were in a patch of grass in the yard of a dilapidated house in a rural area and the sun was shining heavily upon us. My memory when I woke up was rather blurry, but I just had this intense sensation I’ve talked about many times that I had mastered some skill, something I’d certainly never felt before…in the astral realm at least I know I mastered it. In the physical world, I knew it’d take some time for it to fully set in. I did know it had to do with energy, something along the lines of energy manipulation or regulation, energy creation, transmutation. I remember us doing something odd where we had our arms up in the air but not in a typical childish ‘weeeee!!’ fashion, it was very deliberate and I got the sense we were making various motions while sitting in the grass, but I couldn’t remember all of them. I kept this dream close with me as I knew it was heavily significant and I hadn’t fully understood what it meant but in coming months would come to. I recognized it as a gift since I’d been such a slave to energy for 25 years of this incarnation on Earth. I believe the significance of us taking the form of small girls was because as children we are so open, ‘impressionable’, as they like to call it to put a negative spin on our minds primed for remembering and synthesizing wisdom of previous lives with our new lives

What I realize now is that it wasn’t just about energy, it was about rituals. Why else would we have been making these strange motions with our arms? Rituals are what help summon energy, whatever energy we so desire. And I’d let myself for so long be a slave to the energy around me while escaping into my own cosmic world where I could find the energy I desire within myself while not taking a single action in the external world, always involving music as music is very important to me, it’s a key, maybe the key. I was escaping the vampiric world around me and sipping on half truths. I consider my ventures into the darkness to have been equally as vital as my realizations about energy as it gave me a clear understanding of dualistic forces and their connections to each other, how darkness isn’t necessarily an enemy, nor destructive or chaotic energies which I thrive off of to this day

What we were doing is what I call now a ritual of light. It’s something new I’m incorporating into my life. It’s necessary for me while I’m living in an environment that’s incredibly draining, dead and deafening. I have to ground myself with whatever nature I can find as well as sunlight, animals are good to be involved. Not as sacrifice, mind you, but for their energy as they do have a purity about them, they are a part of nature as much as we may try to tamper with them.

I have a strong connection to the ocean and I do live in a coastal city, but I don’t have super close access to the shore. If I could visit everyday, it’d greatly benefit me, but I’ll have to go as often as possible while appreciating whatever nature I can find around where I live even if it’s just a patch of grass in the sunlight

There are other rituals for me to incorporate. Rituals of creativity, rituals even of chaos and destruction, which for me are ultimately rituals of creation. I seek to raise the dead in me, not simply awaken the light in the darkness as that’s what feeds my creativity. It’s a balance of sorts that must be met as I find both light and dark forces to serve purposes for me and sometimes I greatly benefit from just surrendering to my darkness if it’s not of the nature that paralyzes me, deadens me. These rituals channeling destruction and creation will involve a lot more music and dancing, surrendering to that raw energy of the music and letting it possess me temporarily. I’ve made this a habit of mine, especially as a teenager, and it would bring me this sense of having lost myself to something other, something transcendent, something stripped bare that could even bring me to tears that seemed to just as much come from somewhere unearthly. These were often trancelike and the writing that resulted was purely from my subconscious

I’ll end up building a collection of rituals throughout my life, but they won’t be strict rituals. I’ll always follow my higher self and the serendipitous moment. I also never know what kind of energy I’ll take on on any given day and there is so much nuance to energy that it can’t be neatly bagged and tagged into strict categories. Rather when I speak of things like ‘light’, ‘dark’, ‘destruction’, ‘chaos’, etc., they’re symbols of things that are much grander, overarching with their own universes. They’re much more than just their Oxford definitions, far more

I must say, I’m such a curious creature in that I’m never satisfied where I am. When I’m distraught, I seek to purge these demons, but when I feel as peace, it begins to feel dull as I crave this raw baring energy, bloody and fiery and chaotic. I may not know what to do with myself when I feel such immense energy within me it’s like a supernovaic sun, but I couldn’t live without the sheer intensity of the energies I sense

There’s a concept I’ve thought of before of ‘energyscapes’ which in my mind would be a collection of various stimuli that would serve to channel desired energies in myself. As of now, this is just a concept floating around in my mind, but as I become more adept at handling energy, I think it’ll become more of a reality. Music will again be vital since music is a channel for energy for us

What I learned is that I’m not supposed to be a slave to the energy around me, in fact, I’m supposed to be quite the opposite and I think that can be said for anyone who is energy sensitive. Someone told me earlier something that really struck a chord with me: “If we’re sensitive to energy, energy is also sensitive to us”, and believe me, when I get into a horrible mood, I’m all too aware of what I’m feeding into my environment. However, though we may have lived lives feeling weak and powerless, this is a clear sign that we’re meant to call upon our power and seize it

Rituals

I talked about my realization about the necessity for me to incorporate rituals into my daily life, but what does this really mean? How do we create these rituals or decide how to transmute the energy we’re taking in into the energy we need and wish to also extend to the world around us occasionally?

This is where it gets a lot more complex as rituals I don’t believe are set in stone. I strongly believe we create our own rituals as we’re all different beings. Listen to your higher self, your guides, your guide, angels, God, whoever you call upon you perceive to be above you and trust me, they’ll lead the way. Most often we know the exact answers to the questions we ask, we just don’t know we know them because this modern world is built on distracting us from this divine cord connecting us to the noncorporeal

Embrace the spirit experimentation and don’t give up because you know how vital this is for you to live life and embrace your energetic power. I’d say that whatever energy we feel, we need to discover the cause of that intense energy seemingly overpowering us and from there we have to work with forces which oppose the source of the energy within us if we want to balance it. But then there may be times when we want to increase the energy we will within ourselves in which case, similarly…find the source and embrace it as it is in its own way a part of our rituals

I for one love concerts. The energy is infectious and it gives me a natural high greater than anything any lab could create or even the sacred Earth itself could grow. We’re lucky in that while everyone may feel energy, we feel it more intensely than others and that goes both ways. We may find environmental shifting like visiting concerts in my case might be part of our rituals

The word ‘ritual’ does imply something that has a strict set of rules, but I don’t believe that’s necessary and it may ultimately be detrimental to this specific cause. Discipline is necessary in other areas, but not in this one. In our rituals, we need to connect to our spirits, our higher selves, our core and we have to listen as what we need may vary from day to day or hour to hour

Something I feel I should also add is that it might benefit us to also delve into the rituals of our ancestors, ancients who were much more in touch with innate energy than the average modern human is. Don’t feel you need to read about specific cultures. If you feel drawn to a certain culture, it’s more likely than not because they have wisdom to offer you and your higher self or guides are calling you to find something that will serve as another vital key

This is a new realization for me, so I’m gonna be learning a lot through my own journey and experiments. I don’t want to sound like an absolute authority. I’m just a human being on a journey sharing insights I come across along the way in case they may resonate with anyone else

I really hope this helps someone. I came to these realizations quite independently, but I don’t feel they relate to only me, but in any case, Godspeed

Consciousness Hijacking, an Energetic Vacuum II

Inertia, energy arrested at first beating and pulsing of the blood, the flesh frozen still and weightless synergetic loss–

So I’ve been thinking about it more and I recognize my current trial is to work through my inertia. And the fact is, as a child I was extremely energetic, almost too energetic. I was so full of life you’d have thought I was life itself, but unfortunately, we are creatures of oppositions. If we possess something, we also possess the opposite trait in equal capacity. I’m a creature of extremes which means when I feel something, I feel it madly and I feel it truly and I feel it feverishly. Whether I possess it or it possesses me becomes blurred. We are one. This can make me seem like a very chaotic person with no grounding and I possibly am, but I don’t think I’m meant to be a peaceful, calm, rooted person. I simply have to learn how to handle my energy, my pain, my destructive tendencies, my depressions, my anxieties, my suicidal thoughts, my doubts…my intense, stasis driving doubts. They paralyze me and I can’t stand inaction, I cannot stand apathy. I become an apathetic person even though below these immense doubts lying on the surface of me, chipping away at my skin, pealing away like an old paint mural…I am the complete opposite of apathetic. The energy within me is like the sun and I can feel it, but I’m unable to express it because of my doubts, my anxieties

I decided I should write out changes I want to start making that I know will lead me in the direction I need to be going in. I suppose in doing so I’m both exploring myself as well as making a pact with myself. I’m expressing what I lack and what I need without the pain of selfhatred for not being this absolute perfect being at 25 and without regrets for how I’ve been in the past as I regret nothing. All ‘mistakes’, we learn from, we remember, we know what we need to know

A friend suggested to me I may be more of a ‘completionist’ than a ‘perfectionist’ and she might be right. There’s something that’s just not allowing me to enjoy the process because I become so focused on the end product when that’s such an absurd inclination since what we create is largely the result of a massive collection of happy accidents. Nothing ever happens as we expect it to and that’s beautiful to me. It truly is. I love that about life. It would be so incredibly boring otherwise and I can’t stand boredom or lack of novelty

Maybe this is a form of grounding for myself. I believe balance is necessary certainly, but in any case…

1. I recall how I was as a child with fondness like it’s something I’ve lost, but I haven’t lost it, it’s simply become eclipsed by my selfdoubts arising from the fact I hold myself to strict standards. I expect immaculate perfection at first draw and it’s just unrealistic. In truth, I have so much zeal for the beauty of experimentation…trying things, going out of my comfort zone. As far as I’m concerned, fuck the comfort zone, it doesn’t exist for me and I have no wish to set foot there

As a child, I didn’t hold myself to such insane standards because I was just in this process of exploring the world without bars, exploring myself, my passions, my love, my fire…I was a very very creative child, and though I had the problem of starting projects without finishing them because my passion was often shortlived and easily diverted to something new and shiny, something novel, I allowed myself to freely explore and I need to open myself to that energy again

I aim to live in allegiance with my passion, my soul, my spirit, my heart, my raw, beating heart, my fire that I so cherish. I will let them lead the way. I will shed all of my selfdoubt and this insane standards I’ve held myself to since I was 11 and will rise anew, flesh burning but not shedding, no longer degraded. I will follow my spirit

Any lessons in sobriety and discipline I’ll learn only after I’m able to break these chains. I won’t happen overnight and I don’t expect it to. It’ll happen gradually, and then seemingly all at once

That’s been my experience in the past…Things that plague me so greatly, I get to a point where they no longer touch me at all, but it does take putting in the emotional work. But I’m not one to shy away from a challenge. I love a good challenge

2. Pain…My philosophy is to face myself unflinchingly and that means being aware of my pain and oh how aware of it I am. Yet still, there’s a part of me that wants to run away, that does run away. I despise that trait, but I know I can change it. I’m learning. A huge lesson for me came after two suicide attempts this year that I was very lucky to survive…I realized I could feel my suicidal thoughts and even delve into them without fully surrendering to them. Part of my philosophy involves surrender, but also power. I seek surrender for the sake of power. It’s through surrendering to my pain I will learn how to explore it without listening to the voices calling me to carry out destructive acts upon myself

That sounds like a nobrainer, but it was a huge revelation to me and really, in the case of something as grave as suicide, it sounds very counterintuitive, but I do believe this to be true

3. Take action. Just take action. Don’t let myself be held closed in this stasis chamber, in this cage when I’m the only one with the key. Just act, just do, just live. Live with my spirit and my heart and they’ll lead the way. Any doubt I have is a tacit admission that I don’t fully trust my own self, but I will come to only by proving to myself I can. So now it’s time to do that

I want to keep it simple. These things are simple, but not easy. They are doable. This is the stage I’m in and I sense that my next stage is just around the corner. Oddly enough, I get the sense that I’m at the end of something and on the edge of something grand, like I’ll be able to use my power to it’s full extent soon. It seems foolish to have such a thought at 25, but there are no rules on this place we call Earth after all

Something odd I notice is that I hold certain philosophies so dearly, yet I don’t live up to them. I don’t think this is a result of being a liar if we’re ever in this predicament, it just means there’s a discrepancy in our ideals and in how we act and the simple solution is to just change it

I just need to go easier on myself, I need to be more gentle with myself

Writing in this blog is a huge test for me as I have this vision of what I want my blog to become and this vision has kept me from starting a blog for so long. I’m a visionary, I have strong vision, that’s who I am, but I have to respect the creative process and learn once again how to love it as I once did

Consciousness Hijacking, an Energetic Vacuum

I constantly wonder why I let my energy be taken advantage of. I’m well aware that there are a myriad forces in our universe that seek to distract, leave us placid and lulled. I’m lucky I’m aware of it, but that doesn’t mean I don’t fall prey. Falling prey can lead to depression, anxiety, and a wide array of various spiritual-mental-emotional ailments. I’ll write about that more. For right now I’m more so trying to journal a bit. I mostly journal in pen as I suppose I’m quite old fashioned, but in any case, just writing things out really helps a lot. Words have power and that power festers away if we don’t use it. Words aren’t the only way to access our power, but words are one of the easiest ways. We can do it any time whether it be on our phones, on a piece of paper, or even just in speaking…Words access the purity of our intention and our truth. They access what we know but may not know we know

Right now, what I know is that I let things distract me constantly. Television shows, twitter, whatever it is, it distracts me. And all it leaves me with is dissatisfaction, guilt, depression, knowledge of all that lays latent but unaccessed, all I could do but just…don’t. It’s shameful, but shame is a worthless feeling in itself. I’m using these feelings to change my life. That’s the purpose of pain, of all these feelings we wish we didn’t have to feel. I have so many ideas, so many dreams, but I don’t actualize them because I let myself become distracted

We’re living in the toughest age there has ever been because distractions are everywhere and make no mistake, they’re attacking us on purpose. They want us to be depressed and hopelessly unaware of why we’re depressed. They want us to masturbate day after day without realizing the spiritual power held in the moment of orgasm, le petite mort, that little death. They want us to be mesmerized and enchanted by movies, shows, and social media so that we don’t think and dually so that whatever messages are being given us by these forms of media are delivered without our awareness and that could be good or bad. Then when we do begin to think, the unfamiliar, foreign pain comes onto us and we shove it away because we’re taught that pain is to be avoided. Anything that demands us to leave our comfortable states of anesthetization is evil. In truth, it’s these forces that desire to distract us  that are evil

What I know is that this is the ONLY thing that holds me back, that stands in deterrence of all I could do. So my challenge is to accept that I have to sacrifice how good it feels, admittedly so, to let myself be numbed. In the back of my mind, I’m always aware of what’s happening and the fact my energy is essentially being sucked away from me and I’m just left depressed and feeling hopeless because all of what I know I’m capable of is unrealized

My word is that I will take actions against this from now on. A year from now, it will no longer plague me. That is my word

I know how much I have to say, riding on the edge of my mind. It’s almost overwhelming in its vastness. My spirit guides are calling me to speak because that is my creative impulse, my gift. My gift is words and I have to use them. I can’t let my gift go unused. None of us can afford that for the sake of all of us collectively

My word is also that I’ll expound upon this. It’ll take time. I want to help people become aware. I have no audience at this point, but that is my hope, that I can help people find their truths and liberate themselves. There is certainly infinitely more to say on this ‘consciousness hijacking’ and the ‘energetic vacuum’