Light musings on paranoia, fear and creation


I’m someone who’s constantly, constantly thinking. Digging deeper and deeper sometimes to the point of masochism. I can’t help it! Sometimes I just enjoy the pain of indulging in how grim and terrifying this physical reality is. But I torture myself to the point of paranoia and even dissociation. That’s not an exaggeration either. Sometimes I’ve questioned what’s real and if all I’m experiencing is solely in my mind, if my family members even exist at all. It’s not fun. I genuinely can’t help it, though to be less facetious, it’s more because I’m so passionate about finding some overarching truth, my truth, the core of it all. That’s my problem. I just can’t hang in the superficiality. I MUST get to the very core, the deepest and most intimate organ of all I approach and all of what encounters me

Despite my proclivities and this seeming deepseated desire to destroy my mind and leave my body with nothing more to do than to wish with every fibre of my soul that I didn’t exist, I can’t live in paranoia and fear. No one can. They eat away at you until they suck you dry. And the truth is, beyond this darkness, I’m an incredibly idealistic person who sees so much beauty in the world and what it could be, what humanity could be. I’m trying to learn to channel these fears into creation. For me, that’s writing…and I feel so blessed to have words with me as solace, a means of expression, purging, and reconstitution of me…

I know I’m not the only one who toils with the question of just what is ‘reality’ and if it exists. I can’t answer those questions with any sureness, and the truth is, I’m fine with not knowing. I think I may actually prefer the state of not knowing, the perpetual search for deeper and deeper truth than feeling like I know something because then life just gets boring, doesn’t it? But that aside, I do think our physical reality is an illusion of sorts. But that doesn’t mean the connections we make with others, our passions, our love, our fire isn’t real. In fact, they may be some of the only things that are real

There’s something intoxicatingly beautiful about having a body and being in this physical world when you look at your body as having the ability to express what runs deeper than your blood, your spirit. In this physical reality, we have such a wide array of instruments through which we can act on our soulful urges. All of life can be art, creation

I look at this physical reality as a reflection of sorts of something that is real. The noncorporeal realm is real and though humanity has gradually lost touch with its tools by which to interact with the immaterial world, any individual can choose to reclaim them. When we use our energy, our body and spirit joined, to create here, what we do imprints itself into the noncorporeal realm and by that means, we interact with it, with what’s real. Really real. Art is sacred and all can be art if we want it to be

In general, fear and paranoia are hindrances. Yes, they can alert us to real dangers, but I don’t believe we’re meant to be locked into these states that leave us stagnated and paralyzed, immobile and castrated. We’re meant to explore those fears and that paranoia in everexpanding understanding of who we are as individuals and find what we need to navigate a world that’s so dark and daunting and always taunting us with the threat of corrupt leaders, evil, war, hatred, depletion, running out of time, ‘the apocalypse’, and honestly, the stupidity of humanity. Yes, the stupidity really is scary. I’ll be honest

It does take a lot of faith and surrender as well. I think we can always tune in to our destiny, our paths, our higher selves and they can give us a glimpse of to where we’re headed and what our challenges, strengths and weaknesses are. Our truth in the face of a society that doesn’t want us to know ourselves

I feel like I was blessed to get a sense of what I’m to do this lifetime as a teenager. I started hearing this voice inside me, this unignorable force telling me that I’m to do some important things this lifetime. It was hard for me to have faith in that only because of my immense selfesteem issues. And it really struck me that despite feeling so worthless that I felt I was bound for nothingness and wasn’t gonna achieve jackshit because ‘how could such a lowly creature as myself do anything special?’, I felt that force. It’s never gone away. It’s always there. I can feel what I’m supposed to do here

By nature, I’m a very passionate, energetic, unendingly creative person. I have such wells of creativity that they could never run out. Yet I’ve had fears and anxieties bind me, shackle me, tie me down and torture me to the point I don’t feel able to do anything at all,…and so I don’t. I have this raging fire within me but these anxieties had become so powerful they dispersed it into mere flakes of a once fire, now ash. Right now I’m in the process of reclaiming my fire and aligning once again with the physical world as I have to admit, I disconnected from it for a very long time, shamefully long. But that doesn’t matter. I’ve learned so much and everything that’s happened to me and that I’ve done has helped me gain the power and understanding I need

It may sound absurd or just downright foolish to most people, but I’m an extreme person with intense emotion and I’ve learned to accept that,…I made a pact with myself, a suicide pact. If I’m not living by my fire and through my fire in a year, I will kill myself. But the thing is, I don’t intend to hurt myself at all. No, this is motivation to me. I love this. This is my do or die time and I fully intend to do

Never is there any room for lamenting the past just as there isn’t any room for lamenting the ‘future’. The future is now. Right now. Right in our hands, in our bodies bundled up and aching to take those shards of light and ash and create what man has never witnessed before

(I actually have a theory I’m developing about anxiety in particular as an advantageous state of existence)


Science is primitive

Such a bold statement in most facets of society would be taken as insanity, madness, or more likely, pure stupidity, but I fully believe I can prove how primitive it is. This won’t be achieved in just one blog post, of course, but it’s one of the things I plan to address through my blog as it and I evolve

Humancentrism is a massive issue in society. We all, whether we choose the Atheistic path and reject the presence of ‘God’, or we’re shamelessly religious(whatever that religion may be) looking for something greater, something beyond, something transcendent, something to surrender to. Innately, we can all sense this transcendent ‘something’ converging in the undertones of all that we do. We’re all, though primarily subconsciously, searching for something greater, something grand, something beautiful

Even the Atheist may take solace in the delusion that they can live their lives without any spiritual repercussions. They’re simply here to live, breathe, and die,..and perhaps engage in any number of hedonistic pursuits., they’ve reached the dreadful edge of existentialism and have chosen to reject the existence of ‘something more’. Through this rejection, they give themselves ultimate power in their lives, they are the god, but this power is so illdirected it threatens the fabric of their spiritual being. We are demigods, but that power is not to be played with

Many of these Atheists I’ve encountered cling to science like it’s their bible because, well, it is their bible. They will listen to what scientists have to say and take it like it’s the Gospel truth. They don’t realize that they’re participating in the same behavior as hyperreligious folks they so detest with often dangerous passion. They’re just children lost and needing to cling to something that gives them a sense of control, a sense of power


The thing is…science is such a human construct that it’s absurd to think science could possibly pierce the veil into the etheric strands that flow through our reality. Scientists, philosophers, psychologists… they’ve all pondered endlessly to their deaths the nature of our consciousness. What is our consciousness? Is it calculable? Is there a simple, elegant equation that yields the understanding of this obscure creature that seems to possess the uncanny ability to escape our grasp as soon as we get too close? Fuck no. The reason why science is so primitive is because it just can’t figure out what the fuck consciousness is and from where this enigmatic figure arrives. It’s so ethereal it will never be grasped. That isn’t to say we’re at its mercy, but just that science will never be able bag it and tag it, put it in a jar and set it on a shelf, put it under a microscope…you get the picture. It evades all Earthly means of gazing

Another vital point is that our minds recognize patterns and logic, causality, 2+1=3. But how can we actually prove that our minds are capable of understanding the fullness, the expansiveness of the universe? The only way to prove it would be to exit the confines our our brains and observe what’s really occurring. In truth, if we were able to do that, we’d find that the universe seems so chaotic, there is no order, no logic,…oh it would seem a scary place indeed. But we have our trusty logic to help us survive, eh? But because causality doesn’t really exist, anything is possible. Yup, anything is possible. We just have to accept that and come to terms with it just like we must come to terms with the fact our bodies will die and it could be in the most excruciatingly painful way possible, but we can’t live in constant fear of our death, can we?

Causality and the idea of dualism are vitally important to us, but I’ll expand on that later. My point is simply that the patterns we recognize don’t necessarily exist. It’s simply how our minds perceive and desperately attempt to understand this grim world we were thrown into. We desire to conquer it, to become our own gods. We are gods, but when our power is misused we fall into delusion

The people branded as insane, mad, unstable, unreliable, dreamers… they are possibly the most clearminded people we have here on this dear, grim planet. The delusion is that there is a singular order. This delusion is used to manipulate us so that we cage our own selves in and we lose the ability to think for ourselves, use our intuition…Intuition, one of the most powerful tools we were all endowed with and yet we reject it?? What fools we are!


We know so much more than we think we do. We know, and yet the forces surrounding us are so powerful many forget and they’re never reminded

Scientific templates train us to think in a very strict manner, one that upends the skills we were endowed with that make us demigods, the skills that allow us to delve into the immaterial, pierce that veil and see just what there is to see beyond our piss ass five physical senses

‘I can’t help but think that the scientific mind reaches many walls where it concludes that something must be true because every principle, every calculation, every formula says it should be, but it’s not. And thus we have the paradox. Similarly it might conclude something must be true and yet it isn’t. The paradox. So it’ll tinker and tinker away trying to find where it went wrong all the while avoiding the horrific truth that all might be incalculable. Why does the paradox exist? Because all of what is is closer to making absolutely no sense than to making any sense. Not the kinda sense the scientific mind desires. The point so gravely missed and yet sitting right there on its desk collecting dust as years pass’ – lykan(me)

And trust me, I have so much more to say. I’ll expound more as my blog develops as this is quite foundational for beginning to start trying to understand my mind. My mind is a strange place, but it shows me many things that don’t come as easily to others and I’m grateful for it

I’m also always open to conversing with people and having civil disagreements… or not so civil. Sometimes people need to get angry and I don’t mind making people angry if it means I’m making them think and hopefully on their own reach new milestones in their awareness


Celine Therese, lykan