Because I feel Blessed

Lord I feel so renewed…
So much happened today for me. I was able to finally detach myself from someone toxic from my past and start leaving myself open for someone who truly deserves my attention, my genuine love I consciously chose to give to someone who didn’t deserve but an ounce of it. And I gained a new layer of understanding my purpose and desires for my lifetumblr_lu5xrqCMoz1r3iceno1_500

I feel like I got baptized
I feel like after weeks of the pounding and panging, the blacksmith lifted his hammer to reveal something altogether foreign to this world, something new, something new and something good. After weeks of Plutonian hell, I’ve surrendered and I’ve risen from the ashes of what I once was

Flying far above the charred visage disaster zone, I can see clearly all the evolution that’s taken place within me and I’m proud of myself. I mean I’ve gotten myself through such hells it’s a literal miracle I’m here

I recognize my power, my raw strength,
and this is coming from a woman who evolved from a girl to a teenager who, without any semblance of exaggeration, felt herself worthless and weak, powerless in every sense of the word, unworthy of the most bare of essentials to basic life let alone anything of soul, anything derived from my searing and soothing passion and the fire the fire, the fire that keeps me whole

Getting myself from here to there was the most hellish of rides,

but I chose it
and I did it.
I did it with my own hands, the powerful light of my spirit, my refusal to settle for anything less than what I desire with utmost totality of soul, my ability to withstand mental-emotional-spiritual Hadean bleakness so void of all, even coalblack darkness, I questioned if there was any light at all for me I’d find, my ability to look my darkness in the eyes and simultaneously surrender to the glaring truths of my broken states and refuse to let myself remain, my willpower, my passion, my intensity, but most of all, I have to thank Dea and my spirit guides and the ones who have kept me here alive despite those moments I surrendered to my brokenness and I refused my power to rage against the currents’ demands, to see beyond such Hadean dimmed out no sun, no moon, no stars, and when I finally found the door, they wouldn’t let me pass, not even once and not even twice…,the ones who melded me with such unshakeable feeling even in the drowning of intoxicant that there’s a reason I chose this, sealed with my flesh all for my remembrance every time I reached out for the door, and the ones who relentlessly shouted their messages to me until I was ready to listen

Light musings on paranoia, fear and creation

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I’m someone who’s constantly, constantly thinking. Digging deeper and deeper sometimes to the point of masochism. I can’t help it! Sometimes I just enjoy the pain of indulging in how grim and terrifying this physical reality is. But I torture myself to the point of paranoia and even dissociation. That’s not an exaggeration either. Sometimes I’ve questioned what’s real and if all I’m experiencing is solely in my mind, if my family members even exist at all. It’s not fun. I genuinely can’t help it, though to be less facetious, it’s more because I’m so passionate about finding some overarching truth, my truth, the core of it all. That’s my problem. I just can’t hang in the superficiality. I MUST get to the very core, the deepest and most intimate organ of all I approach and all of what encounters me

Despite my proclivities and this seeming deepseated desire to destroy my mind and leave my body with nothing more to do than to wish with every fibre of my soul that I didn’t exist, I can’t live in paranoia and fear. No one can. They eat away at you until they suck you dry. And the truth is, beyond this darkness, I’m an incredibly idealistic person who sees so much beauty in the world and what it could be, what humanity could be. I’m trying to learn to channel these fears into creation. For me, that’s writing…and I feel so blessed to have words with me as solace, a means of expression, purging, and reconstitution of me…

I know I’m not the only one who toils with the question of just what is ‘reality’ and if it exists. I can’t answer those questions with any sureness, and the truth is, I’m fine with not knowing. I think I may actually prefer the state of not knowing, the perpetual search for deeper and deeper truth than feeling like I know something because then life just gets boring, doesn’t it? But that aside, I do think our physical reality is an illusion of sorts. But that doesn’t mean the connections we make with others, our passions, our love, our fire isn’t real. In fact, they may be some of the only things that are real

There’s something intoxicatingly beautiful about having a body and being in this physical world when you look at your body as having the ability to express what runs deeper than your blood, your spirit. In this physical reality, we have such a wide array of instruments through which we can act on our soulful urges. All of life can be art, creation

I look at this physical reality as a reflection of sorts of something that is real. The noncorporeal realm is real and though humanity has gradually lost touch with its tools by which to interact with the immaterial world, any individual can choose to reclaim them. When we use our energy, our body and spirit joined, to create here, what we do imprints itself into the noncorporeal realm and by that means, we interact with it, with what’s real. Really real. Art is sacred and all can be art if we want it to be

In general, fear and paranoia are hindrances. Yes, they can alert us to real dangers, but I don’t believe we’re meant to be locked into these states that leave us stagnated and paralyzed, immobile and castrated. We’re meant to explore those fears and that paranoia in everexpanding understanding of who we are as individuals and find what we need to navigate a world that’s so dark and daunting and always taunting us with the threat of corrupt leaders, evil, war, hatred, depletion, running out of time, ‘the apocalypse’, and honestly, the stupidity of humanity. Yes, the stupidity really is scary. I’ll be honest

It does take a lot of faith and surrender as well. I think we can always tune in to our destiny, our paths, our higher selves and they can give us a glimpse of to where we’re headed and what our challenges, strengths and weaknesses are. Our truth in the face of a society that doesn’t want us to know ourselves

I feel like I was blessed to get a sense of what I’m to do this lifetime as a teenager. I started hearing this voice inside me, this unignorable force telling me that I’m to do some important things this lifetime. It was hard for me to have faith in that only because of my immense selfesteem issues. And it really struck me that despite feeling so worthless that I felt I was bound for nothingness and wasn’t gonna achieve jackshit because ‘how could such a lowly creature as myself do anything special?’, I felt that force. It’s never gone away. It’s always there. I can feel what I’m supposed to do here

By nature, I’m a very passionate, energetic, unendingly creative person. I have such wells of creativity that they could never run out. Yet I’ve had fears and anxieties bind me, shackle me, tie me down and torture me to the point I don’t feel able to do anything at all,…and so I don’t. I have this raging fire within me but these anxieties had become so powerful they dispersed it into mere flakes of a once fire, now ash. Right now I’m in the process of reclaiming my fire and aligning once again with the physical world as I have to admit, I disconnected from it for a very long time, shamefully long. But that doesn’t matter. I’ve learned so much and everything that’s happened to me and that I’ve done has helped me gain the power and understanding I need

It may sound absurd or just downright foolish to most people, but I’m an extreme person with intense emotion and I’ve learned to accept that,…I made a pact with myself, a suicide pact. If I’m not living by my fire and through my fire in a year, I will kill myself. But the thing is, I don’t intend to hurt myself at all. No, this is motivation to me. I love this. This is my do or die time and I fully intend to do

Never is there any room for lamenting the past just as there isn’t any room for lamenting the ‘future’. The future is now. Right now. Right in our hands, in our bodies bundled up and aching to take those shards of light and ash and create what man has never witnessed before

(I actually have a theory I’m developing about anxiety in particular as an advantageous state of existence)