Dreaming in Lucidity

I am sleep deprived and I tried valerian root—

my first night on valerian, I heard strange noises like paper rustling in the further corner of my room across from my bed, and my half dreaming mind imagined my favorite cat was there moving around or something, although the half awake part of me was afraid a cockroach was the culprit and if I fell asleep, I’d wake up with my worst enemy attached to my face. Nevertheless, I eventually did get back to sleep and when I did, I found myself in a horrid nightmarish realm in which my favorite cat, Delphine, was indeed in my room along with my other cat, Skadi, who shuns me for reasons I can’t comprehend and therefor wouldn’t have been in my room anyway. The nightmare wasn’t that Skadi was in my room though, but that I heard he and Delphine fighting and he being larger cat, though far less bestial, managed to tear part of her ear off, eat one of her legs, and defying all laws of rationality, burn her skin. She was still alive and I was carrying her throughout the house attempting to get someone to help me take her to the vet because I’m 26 and I can’t drive(I choose not to for religious reasons), however everyone in the house was being so cavalier despite the fact her entrails were leaking all over the floor. All they did was clean up the mess and say they’d take her to the vet later

Later. I do despise when people say they’ll ‘do it later’

but of course, the beauty of nightmares is that when you wake up, reality seems a whole lot more beautiful than it did before you fell asleep and all I wanted was to hug Delphine and smother her until she demanded I let her return to whatever it is that cats actually do when they so feverishly desire to go outside

so the next night I decided I needed to put in some real deal spiritual practice, right? If I wanted to have some wicked vivid dreams and have those wicked vivid dreams not actually be wicked, I needed to call upon the gods, my guardian angels, the universe, fucking Thor or Sehkmet or whomever. As much as I’m joking, I really did take it seriously. I have a particular protection sigil I use that works for me and I developed a new one last night devoted to dream travel. I prayed to my spirits to bring me guidance and clarity and any tools I need for my journey forward, although admittedly, I’m a child and a part of me just wants to play and explore in the astral planes. My initiatory experiences have been a lot of fun so far, so I want to keep that momentum going

I prayed, I asked my guides to be with me, I used my sigils, and enacted a bit of a ritual with intention of dream lucidity and exploration. I have developed a technique of lucid dreaming that works for me, so I used that as I fell into my lovely valerian haze and I had quite a few very vivid dreams with varying levels of lucidity, but generally very keen lucidity

But the true climax of this experience was something more beautiful than just play and adventure…it was something I didn’t consider even being possible though I do claim emphatically that the possibilities with dream lucidity may well be infinite…I decided at one point in my dream state that I wanted to go somewhere new, somewhere different. So I focused and I found myself in a dark, dimly brown hall with many, many identical doors and very few lights. Not a place I enjoyed, very simple, just a dim brown hall with basic lights and ordinary doors. I chose one on the right hand side a few doors down at random not really knowing what I’d find on the other side—

what I found was a child with straight blond hair and freckles-sweet, smart, independent, and largely left to her own devices as I assumed her mother was neglectful or busy and gave her daughter, Abigail was her name, money to buy foods and go exploring through her town

I followed Abigail and we had many lovely conversations. Oddly enough, I had this irrational sense that she was a real person and that somehow the astral world and the physical world were connected as if I was actually there with her, not just in spirit or in dream, but in reality. I even carried a journal with me to write things down and take the notes with me into my waking life.  I knew I was in the astral world, but there was this meshing collision that occurred for me and I’m not sure why. I’ll write it off as general stupidity on my part

Regardless, I stayed with Abigail throughout her day and I recall one instance of her mother opening the door to her room and half walking in, as I assumed she halfassed just about everything with Abigail, and yelling at her about something. I forgot what it was, but I could tell Abigail was upset. When I asked her about how she felt, she denied anything was wrong even though she’d suddenly closed up and gone quiet. That reminded me of how I’d react to my own mother when she would yell at me, so I could empathize and I knew she was just stewing in self hatred and questioning and so many chaotic emotions she couldn’t begin to speak about it if she wanted to

Another moment I remember with Abigail is that we were in a hospital and strangely enough, she was there to pick up medication for her mother. I looked at the mother’s name on the prescription papers and her name was my mother’s name but with a single letter different. It didn’t dawn on me quite yet that that wasn’t a coincidence and I was still caught up in this belief that Abigail was a girl living in another part of the world whose life I just randomly barged into in some strange astral form

There was another instance where my uncle who I lived with for a few years and just loved to antagonize me showed up in our adventures together to antagonize me some more which should’ve been another sign to me that Abigail wasn’t exactly a separate entity I’d visited . I could tell this greatly disturbed Abigail as his yelling only escalated, though I couldn’t fully comprehend why since he was directing his anger and screaming toward me and not toward her,…but I could understand she was a child and was sensitive to such things whether directed at her or not. I held her and attempted to comfort her by offering her some insight into why my uncle was behaving so vitriolically and so nastily— I did confide in her that I had considered killing him in the dream to ease my own pain since he wouldn’t actually die in the physical world, but I decided against it

I still didn’t quite get ‘it’

We were getting ready to part ways, so I asked her for her name and location so maybe I could find her in the ‘real world’ and I took out my notebook to write it down. She gave me her name…Abigail from Cheese Field(yes I know, funny name and I have no Earthly idea what it might mean because I don’t think it’s an actual place), and I attempted to write it down. That’s when I woke up as my physical body was filled with urge to write down that information

What I came to realize upon examining the contents of the dream adventure and trying to make sure it would store in my memory is that when I walked through that long hallway filled with identical doors, I was walking through a hallway of my own subconscious. Abigail was a facet of my childhood self. Her mother’s name being just one letter off from mine was symbolic of the fact so much of her own experiences resonated with my own experiences, but there were differences in context and some specifics

I’m new when it comes to exploring lucid dreams, but when I reach that state of true lucidity, I realize just about anything can be done in the dream world. I’m eager to explore all I can do and to maybe speak to ancestors or explore far off worlds, even worlds of my own creation, but I think I’m gonna be visiting that hallway a lot in the coming months

Working through childhood trauma and general healing from my self destructive mindset I carried for years is a new endeavor of mine and largely it can leave me feeling powerless as to how to approach it because so much has become boarded up and suppressed. But I’m doing this because I have to to become who I need to be and to no longer let my light be obscured by my darkness

I believe darkness is vital, but I believe it also must not control us. When issues related to past trauma come up, my darkness controls me and I can’t be the person I want and need to be with this beast reaching out from within me every now and again and threatening every fiber of my life and soul

Apocalypse; Purification; Rebirth-Are we living in the ‘end times’?

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Right now, we’re in the midst of ecological disasters, a financial depression, and of course, a pandemic. It sure does seem like the apocalypse, right? And if we observe recent television, it’s almost as if the powers that be have been preparing us for an apocalypse over the past decade. It’s like they want us to believe the universe is hellbent on cutting the cord to all humanity

But this is not the end of days, this isn’t the rapture, this isn’t us heading for a raging, fiery collective death. This is us preparing for vast transformation

If there’s one thing life has taught me, it’s that great transformation doesn’t happen softly and soothingly, slowly and smoothly. It doesn’t happen while you’re being cuddled in your mother’s arms. It doesn’t happen with a single scratch you can put some Neosporin on and bandage up until it heals in a few days. And it doesn’t happen when you expect it to. Ever.– No, it happens while you’re smiling and thinking of all that beautiful progress you’ve made in life and without any trace of a warning, it hits you with a great gaping hole through your lungs that threatens your breath and every fiber of being left. It spreads itself like a virus through your veins and you’d swear you’re no longer bleeding and that viscous liquid squeezing itself from your body isn’t you, but some cancerous invader bent on wiping you clean away

Life destroys you. It destroys you. It puts you in your place, it humbles you. That coming transformation happens with laceration after laceration as you struggle to heal before the next one comes. It’s brutal and doesn’t dare hold back its punches. It hits you until you can’t walk, and you can’t even crawl. It brings you to the depths of hopelessness and waning light and makes you question if light ever existed or if it was just a figment of your imagination, just an illusion

But while you’re there statuesquely posed in the fetal position as if if you just stood still for long enough perhaps you’d be taken back to that sacred womb and not have to experience this brutal world, it forces you to contemplate why you ever breathed in the first place and why you kept yourself alive for all those years before the fatal blow. You’re faced with a choice: Life, or death. You’re forced to review what really matters, the beat and pulse of what you’re living for. Who and what you love. It destroys you so that all you are left with is what could never be destroyed: your soul and your passion, your love. Not a thing in this world could ever take those away from you. The human body is such a resilient thing, as is the human mind, and every aspect of it is built for survival no matter how dire the circumstances

So we stand here with all the systems we thought we could rely on crumbling, that false warmth and security failing. We stand here and we see just how much of what we thought mattered could be so easily destroyed and we have to question what it is that really matters to us, what it is that can’t be taken from us. Many of us are uncomfortable with our solitude because all those systems kept us distracted, they kept us from feeling our heart beats and from following their rhythm in favor of the cacophony of the modern Western world

This is a time for purification… as they say, purification by fire. Purification is not a beautiful thing. It hurts. It hurts like hell and it will bring you to the brink of death. But as your last breath splits itself, half alive and half dead, you seize it. You remember why you’re living, you remember why your heart beats and what makes it beat faster exuding light. You see so starkly what no atrocity could ever take from you. It could take your breath away, but it could never take your love, your spirit, your passion, and it could never truly take your life if you have those in your hands

It’s often when we stand to lose everything that we become aware of what really matters and what we could never let go of because it matters too much. All our egoic desires just dissolve when we see an entire world in peril and consider that we or ones we love could very well die. It’s through death we seize life and as a collective, we are symbolically dying so that we can be reborn

Reflections

I have a strong feeling that nothing is ever gonna be as it was and when that became apparent to me, it felt like a shock to my system. But upon further contemplation, I realized that this is the moment I’d been waiting for. I knew it was coming but I didn’t know how. I just knew that despite all my previous deaths, I’d face a single greater death that would far eclipse the rest. We as a collective have had the rug pulled out from underneath us. We see now that we’re all in pain, we’re all suffering. That is forcing us out of our own little bubbles lined with illusions that our individual suffering is somehow greater than others’ suffering

This awareness will propel us to more than ever join together to heal and to form new systems that work because so obviously the old systems didn’t work. It’s a time for newness. It’s a time for rebirth. It’s a time for new leaders to step up and create their own movements aimed at creating systems that run on symbiosis; symbiosis between humans, but also with the Earth

This pain is real and yes, I know people are dying, but we have to focus on the prospect of new life. What I know with absolute sureness is that when grand destruction occurs, the opportunity for equally grand growth is introduced. Yes, the world seems to be in shattered rubble, but what’s really occurring is that the parasitic systems that previously reigned are being torn away. It’ll leave a mark, but we’re being called to heal it and to rebuild, re-create, to use our creative power to introduce true symbiosis

For right now, I believe we’re being called to take a break from the oppressive, soulless systems that have been leeching off of us and to return to the heart. It’s an opportunity to tend to family and friend dynamics, but also to return to passions we may have long forgotten out of what felt like necessity. It’s a time to think and contemplate the coming changes we will be enacting when we’re released from lockdown. Pick up that guitar that’s collecting dust, pick up a pen and just start writing in that journal you’d wanted to start months before, pick up a new skill,… just whatever you do, create

I must admit that I foresee a great amount of turmoil we’re gonna have to endure before we can start rebuilding, but just strap in. Keep your spirits up. Dance. Engage in what you love. Enjoy time with your family. Heal what you hadn’t been able to heal while being parasitically leeched off of by corrupt systems

When ‘this is over’, things won’t be the same. Nothing can ever be the same. But what we’re gonna be left with is the pure foundation that had been seized by corrupt individuals and turned into the parasite it became, and we’re gonna create a more beautiful world in which everyone has the tools to thrive

Evolve or Die

Transformation. Think ‘rebirth’. To be reborn, you must die. And so we’re going through the flames and when ‘this is over’, we’re not gonna be the same people we were before just as the world will not be what it was. Collectively, we’re being called to grow up and as I said, it’s ‘evolve or die’ time

The choice we always have no matter the circumstances is to either fold, or evolve. You as an individual have your own choice as to how you’re gonna react to the chaos. Chaos isn’t the enemy. Chaos is inevitable. But the human mind is so powerful that no amount of chaos can overpower it unless it chooses to be overpowered. Humans at the core are creators and when you’re in the hands of your creative power, nothing can overpower you

Ultimately, whether or not we’re living in the end times is up to us, but it’s important to know that that’s our choice and we have all the power in the world to evolve, to transform. Would you rather live with limp breath, or embrace the call to transform?

So we will not be overpowered. We will evolve. We will rebuild. We will be reborn