Light musings on paranoia, fear and creation

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I’m someone who’s constantly, constantly thinking. Digging deeper and deeper sometimes to the point of masochism. I can’t help it! Sometimes I just enjoy the pain of indulging in how grim and terrifying this physical reality is. But I torture myself to the point of paranoia and even dissociation. That’s not an exaggeration either. Sometimes I’ve questioned what’s real and if all I’m experiencing is solely in my mind, if my family members even exist at all. It’s not fun. I genuinely can’t help it, though to be less facetious, it’s more because I’m so passionate about finding some overarching truth, my truth, the core of it all. That’s my problem. I just can’t hang in the superficiality. I MUST get to the very core, the deepest and most intimate organ of all I approach and all of what encounters me

Despite my proclivities and this seeming deepseated desire to destroy my mind and leave my body with nothing more to do than to wish with every fibre of my soul that I didn’t exist, I can’t live in paranoia and fear. No one can. They eat away at you until they suck you dry. And the truth is, beyond this darkness, I’m an incredibly idealistic person who sees so much beauty in the world and what it could be, what humanity could be. I’m trying to learn to channel these fears into creation. For me, that’s writing…and I feel so blessed to have words with me as solace, a means of expression, purging, and reconstitution of me…

I know I’m not the only one who toils with the question of just what is ‘reality’ and if it exists. I can’t answer those questions with any sureness, and the truth is, I’m fine with not knowing. I think I may actually prefer the state of not knowing, the perpetual search for deeper and deeper truth than feeling like I know something because then life just gets boring, doesn’t it? But that aside, I do think our physical reality is an illusion of sorts. But that doesn’t mean the connections we make with others, our passions, our love, our fire isn’t real. In fact, they may be some of the only things that are real

There’s something intoxicatingly beautiful about having a body and being in this physical world when you look at your body as having the ability to express what runs deeper than your blood, your spirit. In this physical reality, we have such a wide array of instruments through which we can act on our soulful urges. All of life can be art, creation

I look at this physical reality as a reflection of sorts of something that is real. The noncorporeal realm is real and though humanity has gradually lost touch with its tools by which to interact with the immaterial world, any individual can choose to reclaim them. When we use our energy, our body and spirit joined, to create here, what we do imprints itself into the noncorporeal realm and by that means, we interact with it, with what’s real. Really real. Art is sacred and all can be art if we want it to be

In general, fear and paranoia are hindrances. Yes, they can alert us to real dangers, but I don’t believe we’re meant to be locked into these states that leave us stagnated and paralyzed, immobile and castrated. We’re meant to explore those fears and that paranoia in everexpanding understanding of who we are as individuals and find what we need to navigate a world that’s so dark and daunting and always taunting us with the threat of corrupt leaders, evil, war, hatred, depletion, running out of time, ‘the apocalypse’, and honestly, the stupidity of humanity. Yes, the stupidity really is scary. I’ll be honest

It does take a lot of faith and surrender as well. I think we can always tune in to our destiny, our paths, our higher selves and they can give us a glimpse of to where we’re headed and what our challenges, strengths and weaknesses are. Our truth in the face of a society that doesn’t want us to know ourselves

I feel like I was blessed to get a sense of what I’m to do this lifetime as a teenager. I started hearing this voice inside me, this unignorable force telling me that I’m to do some important things this lifetime. It was hard for me to have faith in that only because of my immense selfesteem issues. And it really struck me that despite feeling so worthless that I felt I was bound for nothingness and wasn’t gonna achieve jackshit because ‘how could such a lowly creature as myself do anything special?’, I felt that force. It’s never gone away. It’s always there. I can feel what I’m supposed to do here

By nature, I’m a very passionate, energetic, unendingly creative person. I have such wells of creativity that they could never run out. Yet I’ve had fears and anxieties bind me, shackle me, tie me down and torture me to the point I don’t feel able to do anything at all,…and so I don’t. I have this raging fire within me but these anxieties had become so powerful they dispersed it into mere flakes of a once fire, now ash. Right now I’m in the process of reclaiming my fire and aligning once again with the physical world as I have to admit, I disconnected from it for a very long time, shamefully long. But that doesn’t matter. I’ve learned so much and everything that’s happened to me and that I’ve done has helped me gain the power and understanding I need

It may sound absurd or just downright foolish to most people, but I’m an extreme person with intense emotion and I’ve learned to accept that,…I made a pact with myself, a suicide pact. If I’m not living by my fire and through my fire in a year, I will kill myself. But the thing is, I don’t intend to hurt myself at all. No, this is motivation to me. I love this. This is my do or die time and I fully intend to do

Never is there any room for lamenting the past just as there isn’t any room for lamenting the ‘future’. The future is now. Right now. Right in our hands, in our bodies bundled up and aching to take those shards of light and ash and create what man has never witnessed before

(I actually have a theory I’m developing about anxiety in particular as an advantageous state of existence)

 

New Moon February 2019 Stream of Consciousness

Yesterday during an editor’s meeting when we were of course critiquing writing, my part of the team poetry, I started feeling so faux about the whole thing. The whole process of critiquing art feels incredibly affected and contrived to me. How can anyone rightfully critique something subjective? Yes, there are ‘rules’ people develop through centuries, but even those aren’t set in stone and are constantly being broken. One person may say to never under any circumstances do a particular thing in art, but they’re more likely than not come across many exceptions to every single rule they may hold dear. That’s just how it goes. Who was the first person to put words on a surface? Who sounded out the first sentence? Who wrote the first poem? Did they give a shit about any rules? Did they even know what they were doing without labels to give what they were doing? Without the labels, there are no rules And the truth is, as any type of creator, you come upon your own rules but even those are liable to always be broken or one day you may wake up with the sudden undeniable urge to tear them apart. What stands out to me most is the banal. I can’t stand the banal, but some people enjoy the banal and consider what isn’t to be too selfinvolved or even nonsensical And if I was in a position of power, I couldn’t tell people to never be banal. It doesn’t work that way. That’s just working from a specific standard, form rather than being guided by your own spirit. When you’re guided by your spirit, what you create might be banal, but does that matter if what you’re creating is pure? The question that would naturally arise is…What is art?

Art to me has always right from the beginning been associated with soul. It’s all about the soul, the spirit. And thus, as I got older I recognized it as something highly spiritual. It’s heart in the purest sense That can’t be defined so easily, there are no rules. It’s yours. Art also transcends every category…photography, painting, writing, whatever it may be. Art, creation,… everything we create no matter what the result is part of the same primal process. Something quite innate to us, so much so it was always an inevitability we’d become creators and artists and if we do deny ourselves the right, I don’t feel we’re really living. I really don’t. Creation is blood, art is flesh and they also reside in our blood and flesh. They are our blood and flesh Every aspect of our lives could be art if we let it be. If someone was to ever sit in a room and start critiquing creation and art then it would seem quite odd, like it was part of a culture ultimately uprooting the beauty of creation, destruction, and art and the blood, the fire…they’re lost I despise it. If ever when I critique people on a personal, oneonone level, I make sure they know what I see is what I see, not what people see. It’s all subjective, the connective tissue between us softens and hardens and varies in color as the blood pulses through even if we can all feel it. Any artist worth their shit has both humility but also the balls to know when and what to disregard in what others say about what they create. So it doesn’t bother me at all if people choose to disregard what I say if I’m to critique their work and I encourage that just as I take everything others say about my art. The value I get from it is having someone else with a different perspective who can open my eyes and broaden my vision so that I see what I may not have otherwise, but that’s all. It’s always gonna be subjective and that’s the beauty of it. I’m gonna go so far as to say no art has rules and it doesn’t matter what it is. Techniques are tools, not rules. Anything that restricts the artistic process is death debasing the concept of creation itself, and that’s stated even with a considerable portion of the creative process involving destruction and chaos If I was ever forced to become a teacher, my focus would never be on teaching my ways, but helping people find their own ways. Anything that to me feel restrictive is just a huge turnoff and I’d never be able to do that to anyone. My focus would be on helping people open their souls to that fire and that blood running through the creative process, their own fire and their own blood, not mine. Especially since my attraction to artistic expression was at first safe harbor in a sense of liberation and freedom from all that threatened to hold me captive in the world around me. That’s what I’d want to open people up to, not close them to a list of rules. That would be so against the fiber of my entire self and being that I just couldn’t do it

I’m gonna start more heavily restricting myself on how much time I give tv shows or games. They’re incredibly disruptive on every level and I can’t do this anymore. There’s so much wrong around us it’s so easy to get distracted and when you get distracted, you start to lose touch with your spirit and it can feel like death. At least to me it does. I can’t deal with it, this state of constant decay the world wants to reduce us to…Anything can be art, the way we live can be art. Necrosis fades, blood returns. You forgot you needed to breathe and in an instance you take in all the air you’ve missed but then you can see all the decay around you, all that lifeless, rotting. It’s a tough task not falling prey to it as the distorted and marred psyche fully assaulted might see it as so intoxicatingly beautiful as it sucks you dry and turns you into nothing. It’s not without its siren songs, in fact, that’s what it’s entirely composed of, that decay…We have to struggle to find the fire now. It’s so lost. That’s the most disturbing thing about living now. But we all have that power to deliver ourselves from it all and fully release ourselves to our own chaos, our own destruction and then our own creation

Life isn’t even worth living if you can’t live by your fire, but these days, you have to fight harder than ever for it. It’s not easy. It should be, but it isn’t because they don’t want us to have our fire. They want us to be lifeless and depressed and desperately searching for our souls in the very things that made us turn away from their fire in the first place I’m tempted to hate this world, but I’m gonna focus on what I can create in this world for as long as I have this life, as long as I am. We have such a vast array of tools for physical expression that this world could be a million times more beautiful than it is. It doesn’t have to be the way it is and that’s what I’m fighting for. That’s the reason I’m staying here. I believe in humanity and this world. But the whole game right now is that we’re tricked into enslaving our own selves and the only thing that keeps us tethered and tied down allowing them to do their will is that we don’t know we’re enslaving ourselves and that we’re the ones with the keys. The offensive on our liberty has never been so real, so alive, the greatest trick of all being that we’re told the tools with which we enslave ourselves are what make us the freest we’ve ever been…yet we’ve never been so fettered We really do have to fight for it and we shouldn’t have to but we do. That’s just how it is right now and if you’ve even stepped into the ring, you’ve already unlocked the shackles, but you also have to keep them off

I’m so done. I’m just done with living any portion of my life without my fire. I’m severing ties. I can’t do it anymore. No hesitation, and I can confidently say ‘fuck you’ to anything that tries to take my fire away because I’m far greater than anything that would ever try to. ‘Fuck you’ and I’m moving on, that’s all. I’m not doing this anymore. I know what and who I am and I’m refusing what doesn’t serve my fire in any moment. I refuse to live a life that feels like decay because I know what I need and I finally realize how simple it is. Nobody can take my fire away from me, only I could ever give it up and I’ve spent too much time giving it up to the hells of this world

Rituals–Surviving a Modern World as an Energy Sensitive Individual

Stream of consciousness on energy and a new realization I’ve had built since my new moon fast(which I highly recommend, by the way(it was my first fast and brought me much clarity))

–For anyone who is energy sensitive just as I am, I’m not just expressing my experiences because I find myself to be such a fascinating creature I just must be written about. I’m attempting to perhaps awaken something in others and I’ll talk more about rituals and what I believe them to be so that perhaps others can create their own. We shouldn’t have to live our lives feeling like weak, fractured beings when in all actuality our sensitivity is a calling for something grander

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I’m what I’d call ‘energy sensitive’, and that’s exactly why I talk a lot about energy so much. It’s such a crucial subject for me and many others that it’s literally make or break in terms of what happens in our lives. A major realization I had today after my third day developing my own Ritual of Light is that I spent so many years absorbed in my mind, my emotions, my cosmic self not taking any action whatsoever in the physical world around me simply because if I was properly occupying my body, I’d essentially be a slave to the energy around me…and that energy was just too overbearing, to powerful for me, huh?

I remember as a teenager when I started to have this energy crisis even though I had always been sensitive to emotional energy and pretty much knew it on an intuitive level. A once fiery, passionate, untamed mind started becoming dull and nearly lifeless. I was losing myself, my essence, things I held so dearly..my spirit. Around that time, I started suffering awful migraines which carried on for years after so I have to wonder if they’re related. I felt so drained, so dead, and my active mind began to stale. I couldn’t stand it, but I couldn’t deny it was happening. I tried a few things to help myself: On some level I think I knew it involved the nature and the sun as if they would be my saving graces. I tried to keep my window completely open with sun coming into my room all day, but it didn’t seem to work. Eventually I became fed up with the migraines and decided the sun was in fact my enemy. I proceeded to live like a vampire with a thick blanket over my window insuring I had no idea what time of day or night it was at any given time. Following this episode was a massive personality shift and a delving into darkness, true, palpable darkness, that completely transformed my life…for the positive, I must add. And if I choose to go into this darkness, it’ll make sense of why I’m so passionate about death-life, darkness-light, destruction-creation, but I’ll save that for another day

Nearly a decade later, I’m now working on grounding myself, rejoining the physical world I’ve avoided for so long as my higher self is calling me to take action now. I’ve spent enough time thinking, contemplating existence and beyond, every fractal of light and darkness. I’m realizing again just how extremely draining the energy in the environment can be for me. And it’s not always draining. Sometimes it’s stimulating on a very destructive level which I quite enjoy for the sheer rawness. If there is beautiful energy around me, I will feel it to my core, but unfortunately, that energy isn’t so thriving in my current environment. This isn’t just the emotional environment which does affect me deeply, but the energy of a midsized city in a nearly broken down neighborhood

The death in the nature, in the spirit of all around me…I can feel the death. That’s part of the reason I retreated into myself as a teenager. I started feeling this energy and I couldn’t figure it out…just where it was coming from, I only knew it was draining me clean blood dry. The world became my vampire and as a consequence I fell so into the depths of myself I almost lost myself to solipsism or even to the vacuumous darkness itself. So the puzzling thing is that if I was falling prey to the darkness around me, why when I retreated completely did I start embodying darkness itself? Easy for me to answer now. By avoiding it, I gave it tacit control. I surrendered to the chaos, to the darkness, to the destruction without knowing it and so these forces controlled me and I was their halfconscious, fervent servant

So I’m returning to this dream I had about energy a few months ago that I consider a gift–What I remember is that I was a small girl and I was with another little girl, right my age. I didn’t really recognize the girl, but I feel like we were practicing together, not like I was being taught. We were teaching each other. We were in a patch of grass in the yard of a dilapidated house in a rural area and the sun was shining heavily upon us. My memory when I woke up was rather blurry, but I just had this intense sensation I’ve talked about many times that I had mastered some skill, something I’d certainly never felt before…in the astral realm at least I know I mastered it. In the physical world, I knew it’d take some time for it to fully set in. I did know it had to do with energy, something along the lines of energy manipulation or regulation, energy creation, transmutation. I remember us doing something odd where we had our arms up in the air but not in a typical childish ‘weeeee!!’ fashion, it was very deliberate and I got the sense we were making various motions while sitting in the grass, but I couldn’t remember all of them. I kept this dream close with me as I knew it was heavily significant and I hadn’t fully understood what it meant but in coming months would come to. I recognized it as a gift since I’d been such a slave to energy for 25 years of this incarnation on Earth. I believe the significance of us taking the form of small girls was because as children we are so open, ‘impressionable’, as they like to call it to put a negative spin on our minds primed for remembering and synthesizing wisdom of previous lives with our new lives

What I realize now is that it wasn’t just about energy, it was about rituals. Why else would we have been making these strange motions with our arms? Rituals are what help summon energy, whatever energy we so desire. And I’d let myself for so long be a slave to the energy around me while escaping into my own cosmic world where I could find the energy I desire within myself while not taking a single action in the external world, always involving music as music is very important to me, it’s a key, maybe the key. I was escaping the vampiric world around me and sipping on half truths. I consider my ventures into the darkness to have been equally as vital as my realizations about energy as it gave me a clear understanding of dualistic forces and their connections to each other, how darkness isn’t necessarily an enemy, nor destructive or chaotic energies which I thrive off of to this day

What we were doing is what I call now a ritual of light. It’s something new I’m incorporating into my life. It’s necessary for me while I’m living in an environment that’s incredibly draining, dead and deafening. I have to ground myself with whatever nature I can find as well as sunlight, animals are good to be involved. Not as sacrifice, mind you, but for their energy as they do have a purity about them, they are a part of nature as much as we may try to tamper with them.

I have a strong connection to the ocean and I do live in a coastal city, but I don’t have super close access to the shore. If I could visit everyday, it’d greatly benefit me, but I’ll have to go as often as possible while appreciating whatever nature I can find around where I live even if it’s just a patch of grass in the sunlight

There are other rituals for me to incorporate. Rituals of creativity, rituals even of chaos and destruction, which for me are ultimately rituals of creation. I seek to raise the dead in me, not simply awaken the light in the darkness as that’s what feeds my creativity. It’s a balance of sorts that must be met as I find both light and dark forces to serve purposes for me and sometimes I greatly benefit from just surrendering to my darkness if it’s not of the nature that paralyzes me, deadens me. These rituals channeling destruction and creation will involve a lot more music and dancing, surrendering to that raw energy of the music and letting it possess me temporarily. I’ve made this a habit of mine, especially as a teenager, and it would bring me this sense of having lost myself to something other, something transcendent, something stripped bare that could even bring me to tears that seemed to just as much come from somewhere unearthly. These were often trancelike and the writing that resulted was purely from my subconscious

I’ll end up building a collection of rituals throughout my life, but they won’t be strict rituals. I’ll always follow my higher self and the serendipitous moment. I also never know what kind of energy I’ll take on on any given day and there is so much nuance to energy that it can’t be neatly bagged and tagged into strict categories. Rather when I speak of things like ‘light’, ‘dark’, ‘destruction’, ‘chaos’, etc., they’re symbols of things that are much grander, overarching with their own universes. They’re much more than just their Oxford definitions, far more

I must say, I’m such a curious creature in that I’m never satisfied where I am. When I’m distraught, I seek to purge these demons, but when I feel as peace, it begins to feel dull as I crave this raw baring energy, bloody and fiery and chaotic. I may not know what to do with myself when I feel such immense energy within me it’s like a supernovaic sun, but I couldn’t live without the sheer intensity of the energies I sense

There’s a concept I’ve thought of before of ‘energyscapes’ which in my mind would be a collection of various stimuli that would serve to channel desired energies in myself. As of now, this is just a concept floating around in my mind, but as I become more adept at handling energy, I think it’ll become more of a reality. Music will again be vital since music is a channel for energy for us

What I learned is that I’m not supposed to be a slave to the energy around me, in fact, I’m supposed to be quite the opposite and I think that can be said for anyone who is energy sensitive. Someone told me earlier something that really struck a chord with me: “If we’re sensitive to energy, energy is also sensitive to us”, and believe me, when I get into a horrible mood, I’m all too aware of what I’m feeding into my environment. However, though we may have lived lives feeling weak and powerless, this is a clear sign that we’re meant to call upon our power and seize it

Rituals

I talked about my realization about the necessity for me to incorporate rituals into my daily life, but what does this really mean? How do we create these rituals or decide how to transmute the energy we’re taking in into the energy we need and wish to also extend to the world around us occasionally?

This is where it gets a lot more complex as rituals I don’t believe are set in stone. I strongly believe we create our own rituals as we’re all different beings. Listen to your higher self, your guides, your guide, angels, God, whoever you call upon you perceive to be above you and trust me, they’ll lead the way. Most often we know the exact answers to the questions we ask, we just don’t know we know them because this modern world is built on distracting us from this divine cord connecting us to the noncorporeal

Embrace the spirit experimentation and don’t give up because you know how vital this is for you to live life and embrace your energetic power. I’d say that whatever energy we feel, we need to discover the cause of that intense energy seemingly overpowering us and from there we have to work with forces which oppose the source of the energy within us if we want to balance it. But then there may be times when we want to increase the energy we will within ourselves in which case, similarly…find the source and embrace it as it is in its own way a part of our rituals

I for one love concerts. The energy is infectious and it gives me a natural high greater than anything any lab could create or even the sacred Earth itself could grow. We’re lucky in that while everyone may feel energy, we feel it more intensely than others and that goes both ways. We may find environmental shifting like visiting concerts in my case might be part of our rituals

The word ‘ritual’ does imply something that has a strict set of rules, but I don’t believe that’s necessary and it may ultimately be detrimental to this specific cause. Discipline is necessary in other areas, but not in this one. In our rituals, we need to connect to our spirits, our higher selves, our core and we have to listen as what we need may vary from day to day or hour to hour

Something I feel I should also add is that it might benefit us to also delve into the rituals of our ancestors, ancients who were much more in touch with innate energy than the average modern human is. Don’t feel you need to read about specific cultures. If you feel drawn to a certain culture, it’s more likely than not because they have wisdom to offer you and your higher self or guides are calling you to find something that will serve as another vital key

This is a new realization for me, so I’m gonna be learning a lot through my own journey and experiments. I don’t want to sound like an absolute authority. I’m just a human being on a journey sharing insights I come across along the way in case they may resonate with anyone else

I really hope this helps someone. I came to these realizations quite independently, but I don’t feel they relate to only me, but in any case, Godspeed

Consciousness Hijacking, an Energetic Vacuum II

Inertia, energy arrested at first beating and pulsing of the blood, the flesh frozen still and weightless synergetic loss–

So I’ve been thinking about it more and I recognize my current trial is to work through my inertia. And the fact is, as a child I was extremely energetic, almost too energetic. I was so full of life you’d have thought I was life itself, but unfortunately, we are creatures of oppositions. If we possess something, we also possess the opposite trait in equal capacity. I’m a creature of extremes which means when I feel something, I feel it madly and I feel it truly and I feel it feverishly. Whether I possess it or it possesses me becomes blurred. We are one. This can make me seem like a very chaotic person with no grounding and I possibly am, but I don’t think I’m meant to be a peaceful, calm, rooted person. I simply have to learn how to handle my energy, my pain, my destructive tendencies, my depressions, my anxieties, my suicidal thoughts, my doubts…my intense, stasis driving doubts. They paralyze me and I can’t stand inaction, I cannot stand apathy. I become an apathetic person even though below these immense doubts lying on the surface of me, chipping away at my skin, pealing away like an old paint mural…I am the complete opposite of apathetic. The energy within me is like the sun and I can feel it, but I’m unable to express it because of my doubts, my anxieties

I decided I should write out changes I want to start making that I know will lead me in the direction I need to be going in. I suppose in doing so I’m both exploring myself as well as making a pact with myself. I’m expressing what I lack and what I need without the pain of selfhatred for not being this absolute perfect being at 25 and without regrets for how I’ve been in the past as I regret nothing. All ‘mistakes’, we learn from, we remember, we know what we need to know

A friend suggested to me I may be more of a ‘completionist’ than a ‘perfectionist’ and she might be right. There’s something that’s just not allowing me to enjoy the process because I become so focused on the end product when that’s such an absurd inclination since what we create is largely the result of a massive collection of happy accidents. Nothing ever happens as we expect it to and that’s beautiful to me. It truly is. I love that about life. It would be so incredibly boring otherwise and I can’t stand boredom or lack of novelty

Maybe this is a form of grounding for myself. I believe balance is necessary certainly, but in any case…

1. I recall how I was as a child with fondness like it’s something I’ve lost, but I haven’t lost it, it’s simply become eclipsed by my selfdoubts arising from the fact I hold myself to strict standards. I expect immaculate perfection at first draw and it’s just unrealistic. In truth, I have so much zeal for the beauty of experimentation…trying things, going out of my comfort zone. As far as I’m concerned, fuck the comfort zone, it doesn’t exist for me and I have no wish to set foot there

As a child, I didn’t hold myself to such insane standards because I was just in this process of exploring the world without bars, exploring myself, my passions, my love, my fire…I was a very very creative child, and though I had the problem of starting projects without finishing them because my passion was often shortlived and easily diverted to something new and shiny, something novel, I allowed myself to freely explore and I need to open myself to that energy again

I aim to live in allegiance with my passion, my soul, my spirit, my heart, my raw, beating heart, my fire that I so cherish. I will let them lead the way. I will shed all of my selfdoubt and this insane standards I’ve held myself to since I was 11 and will rise anew, flesh burning but not shedding, no longer degraded. I will follow my spirit

Any lessons in sobriety and discipline I’ll learn only after I’m able to break these chains. I won’t happen overnight and I don’t expect it to. It’ll happen gradually, and then seemingly all at once

That’s been my experience in the past…Things that plague me so greatly, I get to a point where they no longer touch me at all, but it does take putting in the emotional work. But I’m not one to shy away from a challenge. I love a good challenge

2. Pain…My philosophy is to face myself unflinchingly and that means being aware of my pain and oh how aware of it I am. Yet still, there’s a part of me that wants to run away, that does run away. I despise that trait, but I know I can change it. I’m learning. A huge lesson for me came after two suicide attempts this year that I was very lucky to survive…I realized I could feel my suicidal thoughts and even delve into them without fully surrendering to them. Part of my philosophy involves surrender, but also power. I seek surrender for the sake of power. It’s through surrendering to my pain I will learn how to explore it without listening to the voices calling me to carry out destructive acts upon myself

That sounds like a nobrainer, but it was a huge revelation to me and really, in the case of something as grave as suicide, it sounds very counterintuitive, but I do believe this to be true

3. Take action. Just take action. Don’t let myself be held closed in this stasis chamber, in this cage when I’m the only one with the key. Just act, just do, just live. Live with my spirit and my heart and they’ll lead the way. Any doubt I have is a tacit admission that I don’t fully trust my own self, but I will come to only by proving to myself I can. So now it’s time to do that

I want to keep it simple. These things are simple, but not easy. They are doable. This is the stage I’m in and I sense that my next stage is just around the corner. Oddly enough, I get the sense that I’m at the end of something and on the edge of something grand, like I’ll be able to use my power to it’s full extent soon. It seems foolish to have such a thought at 25, but there are no rules on this place we call Earth after all

Something odd I notice is that I hold certain philosophies so dearly, yet I don’t live up to them. I don’t think this is a result of being a liar if we’re ever in this predicament, it just means there’s a discrepancy in our ideals and in how we act and the simple solution is to just change it

I just need to go easier on myself, I need to be more gentle with myself

Writing in this blog is a huge test for me as I have this vision of what I want my blog to become and this vision has kept me from starting a blog for so long. I’m a visionary, I have strong vision, that’s who I am, but I have to respect the creative process and learn once again how to love it as I once did

Consciousness Hijacking, an Energetic Vacuum

I constantly wonder why I let my energy be taken advantage of. I’m well aware that there are a myriad forces in our universe that seek to distract, leave us placid and lulled. I’m lucky I’m aware of it, but that doesn’t mean I don’t fall prey. Falling prey can lead to depression, anxiety, and a wide array of various spiritual-mental-emotional ailments. I’ll write about that more. For right now I’m more so trying to journal a bit. I mostly journal in pen as I suppose I’m quite old fashioned, but in any case, just writing things out really helps a lot. Words have power and that power festers away if we don’t use it. Words aren’t the only way to access our power, but words are one of the easiest ways. We can do it any time whether it be on our phones, on a piece of paper, or even just in speaking…Words access the purity of our intention and our truth. They access what we know but may not know we know

Right now, what I know is that I let things distract me constantly. Television shows, twitter, whatever it is, it distracts me. And all it leaves me with is dissatisfaction, guilt, depression, knowledge of all that lays latent but unaccessed, all I could do but just…don’t. It’s shameful, but shame is a worthless feeling in itself. I’m using these feelings to change my life. That’s the purpose of pain, of all these feelings we wish we didn’t have to feel. I have so many ideas, so many dreams, but I don’t actualize them because I let myself become distracted

We’re living in the toughest age there has ever been because distractions are everywhere and make no mistake, they’re attacking us on purpose. They want us to be depressed and hopelessly unaware of why we’re depressed. They want us to masturbate day after day without realizing the spiritual power held in the moment of orgasm, le petite mort, that little death. They want us to be mesmerized and enchanted by movies, shows, and social media so that we don’t think and dually so that whatever messages are being given us by these forms of media are delivered without our awareness and that could be good or bad. Then when we do begin to think, the unfamiliar, foreign pain comes onto us and we shove it away because we’re taught that pain is to be avoided. Anything that demands us to leave our comfortable states of anesthetization is evil. In truth, it’s these forces that desire to distract usĀ  that are evil

What I know is that this is the ONLY thing that holds me back, that stands in deterrence of all I could do. So my challenge is to accept that I have to sacrifice how good it feels, admittedly so, to let myself be numbed. In the back of my mind, I’m always aware of what’s happening and the fact my energy is essentially being sucked away from me and I’m just left depressed and feeling hopeless because all of what I know I’m capable of is unrealized

My word is that I will take actions against this from now on. A year from now, it will no longer plague me. That is my word

I know how much I have to say, riding on the edge of my mind. It’s almost overwhelming in its vastness. My spirit guides are calling me to speak because that is my creative impulse, my gift. My gift is words and I have to use them. I can’t let my gift go unused. None of us can afford that for the sake of all of us collectively

My word is also that I’ll expound upon this. It’ll take time. I want to help people become aware. I have no audience at this point, but that is my hope, that I can help people find their truths and liberate themselves. There is certainly infinitely more to say on this ‘consciousness hijacking’ and the ‘energetic vacuum’